Church of the Dark Star - Saturdays 11am NBT

Discussion in 'Release 54 Events' started by Amber Raine, Jun 2, 2018.

  1. Amber Raine

    Amber Raine Community Ambassador (FR)

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    Church services will be returning to a regularly scheduled program of every Saturday on Avatars Radio.

    Should Amber not be able to attend. Please be advised that Church of the Dark Star services will still be aired on Avatars Radio at 9am PST, 10am MST, 11am CST, 12 EST.

    All services will be posted to Sound Cloud there on after the posted times weekly for those who may miss the live service.

    Thank you for your patience, understanding and well wished thoughts that helped our High Priestess return to her post and what she loves most.

    May the shadows of night keep and protect you all..... always.

     
  2. Amber Raine

    Amber Raine Community Ambassador (FR)

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    Church of the Dark Star service this week June 2nd, 2018 will be held in Rift's End on the Island of Chaos. Please take "Side Docks 4" from the travel sign upon entering Rifts End and then use the boat at the end of that dock to arrive at the church.

    This weeks service will continue upon the same line of thought as our last service in a series of topics that embrace "Monsters that Dwell within".

    Last time we spoke of Darkness and the embrace it can have on your life. For those that missed it you can find the service here:


    This week we will discuss Betrayal and how to bounce back.

    May the shadows of night keep and protect you all.

    Welcome to the Church of the Dark Star.
     
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  3. Amber Raine

    Amber Raine Community Ambassador (FR)

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    Betrayal, betrayers, If Chaos as a whole has an opposing force, what makes you think that you as an individual wouldn't?

    Today we cover bouncing back from being betrayed and how to deal with betrayers.

    June 2nd 2018
    Danellosi Mellonamin, Bienvenue tout la monde, Greetings and Good Morrow friends and family. Welcome to the church of the Dark Star here in Rift's End.

    Last gathering we had we spoke about Darkness and how it can affect us, how it can help us grow and become more then we were, more then we are.

    Today I would like to talk about bouncing back from betrayal. Anybody ever get hosed? Come on, you can raise your hand if you have ever been betrayed.

    You know they said, "Until death do us part" but they parted, they didn't die, they just left.

    You helped them get the job now they are trying to get you fired. Anyone here know what I am saying? We've all been there at one point or another haven't we?

    What is up with that? They build you up just to watch you fall?

    Betrayal, betrayers, If Chaos as a whole has an opposing force, what makes you think that you as an individual wouldn't?

    They hurt you, they disappoint you, take advantage of every situation, it really does sound unbelievable but it happens, doesn't it?

    But when it does happen, what you can't do is stop being resilient. You can't stop bouncing back.

    People who get rigid, stiff, they say things like "all women are bad", not Michael Jackson bad like the song, not a good bad, but a bad... bad.

    "all men are bad", sometimes guys will come up to me and they will be like 'can you pray for me to get a wife?" I've been married 5 times, I just can't seem to find a good woman.

    Notice something? Not a lot of resilience there is there?

    And I realize, for real, they have probably been hurt before by five women that have probably taken advantage of them.

    But as a Mother, as a Partner, as a person who embraces all those around her and tries to nurture and show compassion and understanding. I want to tell you what you are looking for in a person.

    You are looking for someone who has a little less likely hood of betraying you.

    So what you are going to do, is you are going to know them by their fruit. And I am not referring to their low hanging ones either. You might get to know them that way but that is a totally different topic for a different day.

    /me grins and winks

    So things you can look for, "Do you have a job?" . For the record, staying at home and taking care of a loved one, family, spouse, other, can be a job. You don't need to be bringing in money to have an important job in life.

    Society may say it all depends on how much money you bring in, that is hog wash, taking care of a loved one can be a full time job and is just as important if not more so then how much money you bring in.

    Money can buy you material things, but taking care of a loved one can buy you everything including happiness.

    "Do you have an apartment?" -- If they are living in their parents basement and not doing anything but mooching off their parents at the age of an adult.. you might be questioning that.. Unless again, they are taking care of their parents, and then..

    Right? They are doing something meaningful. They are tending to their loved ones. Are you following me ?

    "How many relationships have you been in?" -- I know this might seem like it doesn't matter but think about it.. whether they left, or they were left... it does say something about commitment and what kind of partner they might be.

    See, what you are doing is you are setting yourself up for being betrayed. Because these people can tell you all the right things but they are setting you up.

    I told my daughter not so long ago, not all guys are bad but there are a lot of bad guys. There are a lot of bad girls.

    So what we are looking for, we are looking to set ourselves up for a reduced exposure to betrayal.

    Now, when people show you who they are, believe them. seriously, believe them. I know it does not sound like the nicest thing to say or do, but it is true.

    If they show you who they are they are not faithful, they talk about other people negatively, they abuse other people, they went from relationship to relationship, from job to job.

    These are just clues, they are sending you signals that something is just not right.

    If you ignore it, then this sets you up to be hurt, so you become less resilient and you don't bounce back from betrayal.

    Now the issue with betrayal is... it hurts really bad. Anybody in here gotten to the point they felt really walled off sometimes for a while?

    You build a wall around yourself just to protect yourself? When you get betrayed, it is a scientific fact, it takes between 12 and 18 months to stop thinking about it.

    When someone mentions anything about it you feel you need to defend what it is that you want to tell the people because you know what they were told was lies.

    Because betrayers take what is good about you and they reverse it on you. Come on, someone knows what I am talking about, you've been there. Someone out there understands exactly what I am talking about.

    They betray you. Now the worst thing you can do is continue to get hurt by stalking them on social media.

    Back in the day when a person left your life, they left your life for good. You rarely ever bumped into them again, unless you were in school, that is a whole different path of its own.

    But you rarely, rarely ever saw them again. But now they are coming up on your feed. And now your friends are now their friends and they were your friends first.

    But now they are saying "hey there are two sides to every story". Which means, lets be honest here, it means they don't believe your side.

    But often times, more times then not, there are three sides to a story, your side, their side and the right side. Isn't that right?

    But what happens most often is you try to take the people that are on the fence about you, the not sure side, and try to get them over on your side, the sure side.

    Don't waste your time doing that! It keeps your heart contaminated. And to be happier you need to be sure your heart is not troubled.

    Because out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. So if you want to get better and not bitter, you have to bounce back from betrayal and say

    "hang on, I had an opposer but so did our Liege Lord. Blackthorn had an opposer and he knew it and who he was"

    Lord British offered Lord Blackthorn the seat to run things while he was off galvanting in the dungeons and upon his return Lord British sent him away to the island of serpents!

    Blackthorn knew it was too good to be true, he knew it was going to happen. But he did it anyway and then he saw it through. He led the people, making the virtues laws the way he thought British would want.

    After all, why make them if you don't want your followers to live by them? And then British returns from his trip, returns to see that Blackthorn had made things better and he didn't like it.

    British returned from his trip, entering saying "Thank you for all you have done here".. Then gave him a hug, not at all making evident the dagger that was in his hand to stab Blackthorn in the back with.

    Anybody ever had that happen? A true friend will stab you in the front!

    You need somebody to tell you "Hey that is the wrong path, let's try this way." But you don't need them to do it behind your back in a betraying way. Mean it, stick with it.

    Blackthorn knew, but even at the end of the day while he was being sent away to the serpent isles.. He said "Forgive him, for he knows not what he does"

    See, it is the people that we love that betray us, friends, family, loved ones. It is the people that we love that betray us that hurts us the most.

    It doesn't matter what other people say. It is the people that you love.

    There is this sort of audience of one for all of us isn't there? That is the one that is going to hurt us the most if they betrayed us.

    You were little and at your little league game, your dad was in the audience. You didn't care about anyone else but you wanted to hit that home run for your dad.

    You were in dance class and at your recital, you didn't care about anyone else you wanted to know where your mom was so she could see you pull off that well practiced move.

    There was an audience of one, no matter how many others were around, everyone has an audience of one they care about.

    So then we have to think even further and some of you may have heard me say this a time or two in the past. Often times, hurt people, hurt people. But it is never people that you do not know.

    I was walking around the overland map this past week, and I still can not believe what I saw or heard, it still has me by shock, but I was walking around the map and heard someone say my name..

    I get that a decent amount, apparently my name is known around here for some reason... But i responded back "Danellosi mellonamin".. and he said "I hate Avatars Radio that other station is better"

    And I wanted to say "well then don't listen to us, how about that?" But I didn't, believe me i wanted to have words, but i didn't.

    First I was shocked, why stop me to tell me we suck? Then I was hurt, those DJs bust their butts off to bring entertainment to the community and I would stand up for all of them like family.

    But then I thought for a brief moment and looked back and... hey, i make a living by talking so I could have ripped them from one end of NOvia to the other. But I looked around, I thought about it and just said "I'm sorry you don't like it."

    And then I went and told my mother because it was really weighing heavy on my heart. And she turned to me and said "It doesn't really matter does it? Those that like you and what you all do like you, those who don't.. don't matter, do they?"

    See thats the flesh, it didn't really hurt, okay it hurt a little bit but what would have really hurt is if it was somebody that you were really trusted.

    You helped them get their start. You put them through school. You can't believe they did it and now what happens because you love them, they are continuously in your mind.

    I want to share a letter I found recently that was written by my Great Grandmother Ariel Joy to her first in command Tatinana back in the days of Edinburgh and the Death Corps. It reads like this:

    /me reads the letter out loud

    "This isn't the Knights of Yew mocking me, I can take that. It isn't the foreign devils from the Mists of Avalon spitting criticism, I can tune that out. But it was you Max, we grew up together, you were my best friend,

    we used to take counsel together and share about life and the future and how we would make a difference. We would make Britannia great again."

    Now all I can say is this as I am forced with sending you to face Kane.

    Haul my betrayers off alive and let them experience the horror and desolation of hell."

    /me looks up from the page.

    That is what happens when you get hurt, isn't it? You are wanting it to end for yourself, you just want the pain to stop and mercy to be shined upon your soul, forgive me, help me..

    But those people who betrayed me, strike them down and open up the pits of hell and let them go there.


    Anybody else ever said or thought something like that? Come on, you can be honest. heck my Great grandmother the first high priestess did. I know I have... several times.. how about you?

    You know the Parma that I have read and study from daily says "We need to forgive so that we too many be forgiven."

    It also says that when we speak kindly of those that have spoken badly of us, we are heaping coal upon their heads.

    When i first read that I was holding onto my spoon and was saying "Oh i will speak a bunch of good things about them.. I am praying for them! Help them! Bless them!"

    /me laughs maniacly

    Quick give them all the good things, oh yea.. feel the burn, I mean help them!

    I didn't realize at the time that it was me that was actually being worked on. At the time i was thinking when is this going to stop, when is this going to be dealt with, when are these people that are hosing me going to get what they deserve?

    Know what happened? The words that were echoed back to me was this "When you don't care"


    And so i kept saying "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care"... but how many of you know that of course I cared or I wouldn't have to say I didn't.

    So we truly have to forgive them. But what keeps us bouncing back from betrayal is you'll be driving down the road and because you love them, now this thought comes about them or something they did

    And if you are not truly forgiving you will grab hold of that thought and you will remember what that dirty rascal did to you.

    And now you are meditating on it, your day is going to be blown up all over the place, you are indeed going to have a terrible day.

    When that thought comes it doesn't mean it is your thought. That means it is a negative thought that just wants you to think this. Ruin your day. Drink Hateraid.

    But you want to bounce back from betrayal and hurt? You need to think on the positive. Deny the remnants of that negative thought from taking up residency in your mind.

    If you truly forgive you can put up that no vacancy sign and let it be known that you forgave them and there is no room at your inn for that thought.

    You wish them nothing but the best, even if you don't mean it. You keep saying it until you do mean it.

    And then that stops your thoughts from being negative to being open to letting in more positive thoughts.

    So you won't be spending your day grumbling, "it is so hard to find a good person". "my guild mates always do that", "preachers are always bad", "politicians are always bad",

    You begin to gripe all the time and you wonder why no one wants to be around you. You come home and your pet yips and runs away.

    You need to let it go!

    So these betrayers hurt you. Here is the problem though with betrayers, they will call your good, evil. And if that bugs you, you will be bugged the rest of your life.

    Just because kittens are born in the oven does not make them biscuits.

    Just because I slept in the garage does not make me a BMW, I am an apache helicopter!

    Just because they said that about you does not make it true. Don't listen to it. They will know you by your fruit.

    If you do what is right because it is right eventually people will look at you and go , "I guess they are right"

    Yanno, I am liking this, I am going to relisten to this again myself. Forgive the, for they know not what they do!

    The Parma says "We wrestle and we are not fighting against people made of flesh. But against evil rulers and authorities in the unseen world. "

    So let me talk about this for a minute okay? There is a whole unseen world. If you could open up your eyes and this is where a few of you are going to go "she's weird"

    But if you could open up your eyes, you would see there are just as many angels listening right now as there are people.

    The angels have charge over us, so there are just as many angels as there are people. So there are millions of angels in the world.

    And they are protecting you and they are guiding you, think of them as your own personal security force.

    So those are there, but there is an unseen world of evil. Now there is this misconception that there is no good and there is no evil, there just is.

    Well, pretty sure if you were evil and your virtues forsaken, you wouldn't want people thinking you existed that way because then they instantly wouldn't trust you, so of course evil made up this misconception to distract and dissuade you.

    So just because you don't believe that there is no good and there is no evil, does not mean it doesn't exist. Just because you may not believe in hell does not mean you do not have a one way ticket straight there.

    I mean think of it this way, you can go take a shower to wash away the days grime and dirt and think you are going to save time and dry your hair in the shower.

    And you can tear off that little tag on your dryer that says "you will be electrocuted if you use this in the water" and you can dry your hair anyway. Well you are still going to die!

    You can't do it just because you didn't see it or I ripped it off. No, it is still going to happen, you are still going to die. And even if it doesn't happen the first time, it is still bound to happen!

    So there is an unseen world that negatives are trying to set you up, to get you upset, and keep you upset, and you got to know it is not Maxine, Maxine isn't my problem.

    It isn't, let's pick on Obs for a minute. It isn't Obsidian. See what happens is people are in prison today because they thought Obisidian was the problem. So they tried to stab Obsidian, they tried to poison him.

    And now they have a 30 year sentence and now they are really hating Obsidian. And then they get out, and there is another Obsidian!

    There is always going to be some negative stalking you. So if you are going to bounce back, if you are going to live bigger, if you are going to have a happy healthy life, you need to forgive. You need to let it go.

    The worst thing you can do in your organization, your guild, your business, your family, your circle of friends.. Is to allow one staff infection to make you think that all people are bad for the rest of your life.

    Live with open arms, live with forgiving arms, If Blackthorn could do it and still consider British a frenemy, so can you.

    The saddest thing about betrayal would be to be betrayed and to wall myself off, stiffen myself up, no no o.

    We are entertainers, we are having too much fun bringing life to the party, I love Avatars Radio and all of the DJs there so I am going to rock it loud anyway! And I am going to enjoy my life!

    Make your life so good that other people want to be you. "If i was you I woudl want to be me too"

    Alright, now there is another passage here. I have so much here that I am like a mosquito in a nudist colony, I don't really know where to bite.

    This passage has to do with Elmdor talking to Ariel about British betraying Blackthorn. Blackthorn knew he was going to betray him, but they were friends.

    We just read "he betrayed", but we don't think about the fact they were friends. They were fishing together, hunting together, they were pals. And then British sells him out.

    The betrayer will always get what is coming to them, because they will get so messed up about it that you don't have to try and hang your betrayers, they will do it themselves.

    But you have to know there there is an ulterior motive behind everything and a lot of times it is money and jealousy.

    Money and jealousy will cause people to betray, lie, cheat. They will do these things because they either want to make more from it or they want it for themselves.

    You must know that not everybody is innocent, but not everybody is guilty either.

    Have you ever been around somebody that made you feel like you were guilty? Have you ever been around someone that made you feel like you were the liar? Look out for them, they are the guilty liars.

    People will automatically make you feel like you are the problem when really they are.

    So I say limit your exposure to people who are massive betrayers and don't set yourself up to be betrayed.

    I know, some of you might be looking at me side ways and saying "But Amber, you have told us in the past that we should look for the positive light in everybody no matter what they have done or who they are"

    And you should! But here is what I have found, some people are easier to love and find positives with if you only see them every 24 to 36 months.

    The Parma says to keep away from the foolish and the back biters, it doesn't mean you love them it just means that you will hear a message like this and even though you know you are not wrong, you just have a really good heart.

    you are going to call up that person who wronged you and will be like "I am so sorry, please forgive me." And they will no doubt be thinking "you sure are sorry."

    Because they have a heart defect, there is some kind of thing in them, so the best way for you to not let your heart be troubled, to see to it that you are not troubled, to allow the positives in your to flourish,

    Is with some people you have to just say "may the shadows of night keep and protect you, until we meet on the other side" And then you block them on all of your social medias so they can't be jacking you all the time.

    And you do not take them out of your phone because someday you will be tempted to pick up your phone when somebody is calling you and if you take them out of your phone you won't know it is them.

    Can we just right now thank the creator of caller ID for their invention? Am I right?

    Remember when you used to answer the phone and you didn't know who it was? Now you can look at it and go "not today"

    Okay, Okay, I know that sounds wrong but it's right. Most people would never tell you that. But you are supposed to be protecting your heart.

    The reason why you can't bounce back and get over it is because every day these difficult people are coming in and they are exposing you to more hurt and more pain until a point you wall yourself up and lock yourself down.

    Most leaders don't walk down the hallway, they stay away from every day people, because your heart is open and I'm giving you my heart, I'm sharing my heart with you,

    and then somebody will come up and break my hand or say something mean or bloody my ribs or stick a spoon in my back.

    Just crazy stuff, you can't believe it. Be like "Oh my gosh, I am just trying to hug these people and now i have a spoon in my back" How did this happen?

    So most leaders and priestesses alienate and wall off. But not me, I just keep going back because I am not going to let the one or two people who might not like me keep me away from the people who love me and I love them. I just love people.

    So if i get shot, somebody will shoot them back and I'll be fine. But I am not going to wall myself off, knowing that they are betrayers.

    Now there are people who are so good at what they do that they can fool anyone and steal the hearts of everyone they talk to. Making them believe they are good when they have ulterior motives.

    I watch it all the time with people who basically get the pants talked off of them by really good looking guys. 6 pack abs, no job, couch surfing, good looking.

    They fool people so much that you think this guy is great, but if you think about it, you don't even need to be told, if you think about it, you know what kind of person this is. You know them by their fruit.

    One of the greatest proverbs that hasn't been written yet and I really think it should be added to every "good Book" out there is "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it"

    That is just such a good proverb to me, I mean isn't it?

    I am not here to judge anyone, no matter what your situation is. I am just telling you that you might be setting yourself up for a betrayer if this person has this ability just to smooze you.

    You've seen them in organizations, maybe in your work place, at school, in your guilds. Johnny hotshot comes walking in, you know he has no character, you know he has no ethics, and nobody seems to see it but you.

    Sometimes people in organizations and I have done it to myself. I have lied to me about this person being the answer to my prayer because they are offering everything i thought I needed.

    But deep down I know that they just quickly jumped in, haven't been around long, haven't stayed in more then one place very long, you don't even want to ask people about where they have been before because you don't really want to know about them.

    This is how we set ourselves up to be betrayed. Here is what we need to do, we need to be sure we are looking out for those brown nosing butt kissers who are offering us everything we thought we needed and really don't.

    A betrayer will often not expose to authority who they really are, they will tell you one thing but tell the people in charge something completely different. And they will have both sides convinced about what they are saying. These people are really good at betraying.

    Our job is not to expose the betrayer, our job is to make sure we stay resilient enough to know that betrayers are going to come and go but we are going to bounce back and forgive people, we are going to enjoy our life.

    So if you have been betrayed then raise your hand, come on I know I am not the only one, if you have been betrayed.

    It is unreasonable to think that we are never going to think about those people again. But we have to know that we have to forgive them and when the thought comes that it is not our own and let it go.

    It is very wise of us to say that we are just going to limit our exposure, going to go slow, going to enter a relationship slow, because this person shouldn't be penalized, holding all the baggage from my last relationship.

    But I am going to go slow. Just because I need somebody really bad, doesn't mean I need to settle for somebody who might be bad.

    Because if you need somebody really bad, sometimes you will get somebody who is really bad. So just go slow.

    Here is something you all should write down. "If it is gone today, it is gone tomorrow"

    This will work in almost everything. Say for example you are looking at a really nice set of armor, and the seller says "you know there was a guy in here yesterday"... Let them have it.

    "If you don't live with me now I probably won't marry you later" Bye! I know who I am and I will not be rushed or allow you to determine my worth and my value.

    "If you don't do this, then I won't do that"... "if you don't do this now then I won't do this later"..

    No, these are not good people, these are abusers. They are abnormal users, and they will smile at you and you won't see it coming but at some point they are going to betray you.

    You want to reduce your exposure to hurt. And I certainly want to teach my children this, and you, some of you, are my spiritual children. Stop hanging out with people who tolerate you and don't celebrate you.

    If you don't celebrate me, you don't have to be bugged with me. Don't go where you are tolerated, go where you are celebrated.

    Get around people who appreciated who you are. And don't feel like you always have to suck up and you need to give and you need to look a certain way and you need to act a certain way.

    You be you! Because you are the best version of you there ever will be. Don't work so hard on a relationship and you are the only one who is giving.

    At some point you have to just go "nuh uh, no, this has got to stop." Because if you don't, you get hurt.

    Now again, we have to forgive, we get to forgive actually, we don't need to, but we get to. So we can enjoy our lives but .. well let me explain this with one final story...

    There was a little turtle who lived on a pond and this serpent came to him and said, "Can you take me to the other side of the pond?"
    And the turtle said "no way, I can't enter into a relationship like that with you, you'll kill me."
    The serpent said "that is not reasonable at all. Why would I kill you in the middle of the lake where we would both drown?"
    The turtle giving it some thought said "well, that makes sense, okay climb on"
    So the serpent got on his back and the turtle started swimming, they got half way across the lake and all of a sudden he felt the bite and venom enter his body.
    The turtle turned to the serpent and said "Why did you do that?"
    And the serpent said "That is just the way I am"

    Some people, they just do it for sport. Just do it for fun. They just punk and hose you for fun.

    But you can't just be mean and say "all people are bad". No you just got to know that some people are just that way.

    I don't know why they are that way. Maybe their mama put their pampers on too tight, maybe their milk wasn't right, maybe they were dropped on their head, I don't know.

    I don't know all the answers all I know is we have to forgive and we have to forget but we have to reduce the amount of forgiving and forgetting we have to do.

    Because if not we just turn all mean and angry and resentful. ~grrr~ You got to let it go. Let it drop.

    Their part in your play is over. You have to say "k, bye, i love you, I forgive you, but I am going to enjoy my life, bye bye now"

    Especially when those negatives come up, again it is like so supernatural, it comes up at the craziest times, You have to let them free.

    And really, by letting them free, you are actually letting you free. Because they may continue the cycle of behaviour for the rest of their lives but you're saying

    "hang on a minute. I know if our liege lord was betrayed, and he had negatives that haunted him, what makes me think that I don't have the same?"

    I am not going to spend my life looking for it, but I believe and know that they will come and when they come I will be ready.

    Sometimes it is amazing, what goes around does come around. There was a person who betrayed me pretty good. It took a while but I finally forgave him, and sure enough when I didn't care anymore, he got what he had coming to him.

    And there was a part of my flesh that was celebrating but then my spirit was telling me better "no, you don't do that!"

    My spirit was keeping me stable, and that is what you need to have your spirit doing. You might want to celebrate someone getting what they have coming to them but you gotta forgive and stay stable.

    Because hurt people hurt people and here's the deal. I know this about some of you guys, Some of you feel like you have been hurt then most people and I can tell you why.

    The reason is because there is a big call on your life, it is like there is a big light on you and it has a flashing sign that reads: They are a threat to the enemy. They are going to do something big and good.

    And that is why you were betrayed, that is why those bad things happened to you, that's why you were hurt.

    So remember these words "All things will work together for my good. What didn't kill me makes me stronger. I'm going to stay resilient. I am a testimony. I have been tested. I am not having the moanies. I am a testimony.

    And this is going to all work out. Things are going to be good for you, you are strong and deserve to be loved. I love you and I like what you do for the community.

    I want to dance at the parties, I want to celebrate life, I don't want to just wall off. I want to hear stories, I want to know what you are going through, I want us to all go through it together.

    That is why we connect with people, that's why we need to go through growth and changes, so you can know people.

    So you can come in here and just keep to yourself and be sheltered, walled in and safe. Or you can come in here and be plugged in, get amped up, so you can grow, so you can use this tragedy to triumph

    Because somebody needs your help right now and you have to help them. You gotta love them. You gotta get filled up with positives, not filled up with hate.

    And when you start filling yourself full of positives, when you start thinking positive and living positive and looking for those little sparks, then even though your life is not perfect, you just want everybody to know the freedom you found.

    Because the pathes that we choose to walk opens us to so many things, where everything and anything is possible, we are free to have the truth and happiness of life.

    I feel sad for people who are in a bad situation right now and you just can't. I had somebody tell me last night that there was someone they just couldn't forgive.

    And I just said "you got to forgive him, because until you forgive him, you can't really go on with your life.

    And you are too amazing and great at what you do and far too precious to wall yourself up."

    I am telling you there is something and someone out there for you, your calling is out there. But don't settle because the first thing that comes along is going to take you.

    You are a prize, you are a great possession, and just because you do not think you are any good because they left you.

    Trust me, I know what it is like to be betrayed, I didn't have much of an option with some people in my life leaving because they died but when somebody that you love doesn't love you back and they walk away

    I didn't think i would be with anyone without a computer in between us for over 8 years. I could have relationships over the computer in game worlds that didn't really matter because they would disappear as soon as I pressed the power button.

    But i could not have a real relationship for over 8 years. Then I had someone finally want to be with me for real and I just couldnt' do it.. I kept trying to stop it..

    Then one day it happened and things became real, and just as I let me guard down he up and left me too.. after promising that they wouldn't ever leave and I would never be alone. They left for no reason of my own, no fault of my own, they just up and left.

    I could close myself off again and say "all people are bad, I won't let anyone in because they will just leave"

    But I won't.. I forgive him, because I know my worth, I know how special I am. And I know how special you all are. and if someone can not celebrate you for who you are and stay with you because you are worth it.. Then find people who will.

    If you love people and they don't love you back then that is fine, but by gracious dont allow all this love that you have to give to be pinned up.

    I wouldn't have everything I am today, the church, the radio, my family, everything if i hadn't moved on.

    I wouldn't know you, I wouldn't know you, I wouldn't know any of you, I wouldn't have such great love that I give and get from everyone.

    And some people I don't get love from, there are some people that just don't like me. I do not understand it, I can't figure it out for the life of me, but some people don't like me.

    But I can't, not love back. And you, you can't not love back. You can not hold back all of this love you have to give. to job, to family, to friends, to your partner.

    It is going to affect your kids, your friends, your life.

    Last thing I want to ask everyone here to do, everyone at home listening on the radio, every person who listens later on...

    I just want you all to just for this last moment close your eyes and answer me one last question. NO one is looking at you, no one is judging you..

    How many would say this message helped them a lot? How many would say this message helped them at all? Just send me a message or slip a little note to me in my mailbox..

    Okay, thanks for that. This is where we go, even I come here, to get help, to find fellowship, non judgemental, no boundaries or borders, friends and family who care.

    We are all here for each other, no matter what it is. And I just want to thank everyone who steps through that gate or listens.. For being there.

    And I just got a whisper echoed through my mind that said That a few of you had thought of someone that really needed to hear this message, I just hope you will do your part and pass it on.

    And Until next week, may the shadows of night keep and protect you all, always.

     
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  4. Amber Raine

    Amber Raine Community Ambassador (FR)

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    Topic: Introducing the 4 horsemen - A four part series that will take us through to the end of July.
    The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the Old World. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. We use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to our research, can predict the end of a relationship.

    Recognizing and overcoming Critism, Contempt, Defensiveness and stonewalling. This 4 part series comes to us as a request/challange by Asbury Baker after last weeks service on Betrayal. I hope you will join us.

    Where: Rifts End, Garden of Chaos, Chaos Island.
    When: June 9th 2018 11am NBT (and every following saturday until the end of July)
     
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  5. KaiserRaynes

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    Join Amber Raine in the Church of the Dark Star today at 11am in Rifts End.

    Join as we introduce the beginning of what shall be a 4 part series of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

    Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling.

    Or tune in to AvatarsRadio.info
    Ask your echo to "Turn on Avatars Radio on Tune In"
     
  6. Amber Raine

    Amber Raine Community Ambassador (FR)

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    passive aggressive -- defensive -- contempt -- stonewalling what you are about to hear is a four-movement musical piece that attempts to depict the four destructive emotions that can unravel the delicate framework of relationships.

    This piece was inspired by Malcolm Gladwell's book Blink especially the chapter that featured a psychological experiment by John Gottman.

    In the "love lab" experiment, Gottman videotaped over three thousand married couples having brief (and often mundane) conversations, and analyzed every conceivable emotion that occurred in these interactions using an elaborate coding system.

    Reading every possible emotional nuance in people's facial expressions, Gottman annotated instances of disgust, sadness, neutrality, anger, etc.

    Gladwell writes, "On the basis of those calculations, Gottman has proven something remarkable. If he analyzes an hour of a husband and wife talking, he can predict with 95 percent accuracy whether that couple will still be married fifteen years later."

    Through this research, Gottman categorized the "four horsemen" that are the most predictive in failed relationships: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

    From this, I attempted to capture the essence of each emotion through musical forces.
    Replacing criticism with passive aggressiveness, the first movement features the flute as the passive aggressive force -- all sinewy sheen, a smile that doesn't quite reach the eyes.

    defensive features the clarinet in a whiny, bristly list full of excuses, leading us emotionally to contempt, where the violin and piano spit out
    attacks and barbs.

    The piece ends with stonewalling, where wordless strings come up against an unmovable barrier.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------
    One of the aspects that he covers as being one of the four horsemen that really ruins a relationship with children, with peers, with anyone is criticism.

    Criticism for those that do not know, means to directly and purposely attack a persons character verbally or in todays world, in text.

    I know in my life when my mother critized me it was devastating because there were times when she would call me a dumbass and it impacted my whole life. I always worried about making mistakes of any level.

    And also as a child my teacher punished me for talking and I had to put my nose on the board and most of my young life I was nervous about speaking because I was so emotionally hurt by this and so embarassed because I was critized for talking.

    And critized for making a mistake with my mother and talking with the teacher.

    Criticism creates a lot of damage in any relationship, not just for the older, but for the young. It does not matter your age, your level of education or your relationship with someone.

    Criticism can destroy a person from the very soul. I would say to anyone that would listen you have to be very careful and you have to watch how you word things.

    If you want to do constructive criticism it is all how you word it and it is very important to come out with something very positive and then add the word "and" or "because".

    An example would be "and I think perhaps you could concentrate on this a little bit more" ... "because it will get you to where you want to go."

    So saying it with and or because but not this "POW" right in the kisser, verbally punching them in the face.

    "you did this wrong, you're not doing good, why can't you do better"

    Okay so that is one of the horsemen. The other one is contempt. Contempt means attacking the sense of self with an attempt to insult or psychologically abuse for example calling somebody an idiot.

    I was recently very shocked by a person who recently told a handicapped young man that he has to go home on the short bus which is different from the white bus that the others would be going on.

    Can you see how this would be really attacking the sense of self? "You are not as important as the others, you don't belong with them."

    It is very important that we protect the esteem and sense of self in an individual.

    The next horsemen in line is defensiveness. Defensiveness is seeing yourself as the victim in efforts to ward off perceived attacks and then reverse the blame.

    A lot of people do this, trying to get away from the blame by saying it was someone else's job.

    I am sure everyone here at one time or another has either seen someone do it, have been in conversations with someone who was doing it. Perhaps it was you who was doing it.

    There is one last horseman and his name is Stonewalling. Stonewalling is when you move away from the conflict and you just don't want to talk.

    I will admit this is my biggest thing. I do this a lot and I am working on it.

    I have done this a few times recently with a situation that I am going through. I don't want to deal with it or talk about it because it hurts a lot.

    So I will move myself away from the situation so I can stop the conversation, or at least stop myself from being a part of it.

    Often times parents will do that to their children as well and people in authority are known to do it also. Have you ever listened to the King?

    Of course here is the problem. Unlike myself, I am aware that I am doing it. Some people do not even know they are doing it.

    They believe they are stopping a conflict so everything will be okay. When really, the conflict is still there they are just blocking it and stonewalling, refusing to talk about it.

    Parents often do not realize they are doing it because their parents did it to them and the pattern when down the line.

    But to remove yourself and not to talk is a very cruel method to deal, or rather not deal, with a conflict.

    Instead of blocking and stonewalling what we want to do is cultivate the mind to know that we can be different and we can agree to disagree if we allow each other their opinion and not put up a wall to block it out.

    I would say that emotional intelligence is probably the most important because I see so many adults getting into fights, getting into arguments over dinner. It is really terrible.

    Bosses do it to their employees, teachers often do it to their students, we as parets do it to our children. The sad thing is we often do it unknowingly.

    So now that we know what the four horsemen are that has killed the emotional intelligence of people, now we can learn how to recognize it, handle it, and build our relationships with people stronger and better then ever before.

    --------------------------------------------------

    We are bringing this 4 part message to you here in the church of the Dark Star by request of Asbury Baker.

    For the past 2 weeks we have been covering a variety of messages reguarding darkness, depression, and betrayal.

    The 4 horsemen of emotional intelligence are often times the cause of these emotions, self doubts, darkness, depression, and feeling of being betrayed.

    Dr John Gottman calls these negative communication patterns "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." Because just as the other horsemen (Conquest, War, Famine, and Death) will destroy the world,

    so to will these horses destroy your life, your relationships, and your happiness.

    For the next 4 weeks we will be covering each horse by colour and by name. Critism whom rides upon the red horse. Defensiveness, whom rides in second, sitting high and proud upon the white horse.

    In comes the third horsemen, contempt, upon the green horse he does ride, and Stonewalling, ignoring everything around him, he rides in on a black horse.
    -------------------------------
    Let us start today with an understanding that conflict is not bad. It is actually a good thing, it shows that we are individuals with our own thoughts, opinions, feelings and moods. Without these, we would be at.. atom.... robots.

    The things we want to know are the things we should steer clear of that will turn a fair and positive conflict, into a destructive, relationship ruining explosion.

    I will let you all know that I will be taking a lot from the Gottmans. Thanks to Asbury I had some great reading this past week and I have to say, I absolutely love and agree with much of what Gottmans has to say.

    I believe their work is exceptional and it is highly effective with relationships. It is true it was studied on married couples to begin with, but Gottmans works with every relationship, from Spouses to children, best friends to teachers and co-workers.

    I highly recommend them and their work and I use their work as my go to when ever I work with couples, with relationships, even with my own children.

    So to reiterate, conflict is fine. The important thing about conflict is knowing y how to do it in the right way and avoiding the destructive, earth shattering, relationship breaking, wrong way.

    So, There are four horsemen. When I first mentioned this service idea to my mom she thought I was referring to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Conquest, War, Famine, and Death, and she would not be that far off.

    Gottmans got his Four Horsemen from that and called them Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

    So there are four horsemen in particular that cause issues in relationships and they show up in all relationships.

    But you will find that in relationships where things are not so positive they will show up in much higher rates.

    And the issue with the four horsemen is that they are really predictive of relationship dissolution or relationship demise.

    So if these things are active in your life then we need to do something differently. Because they are not good for saving your relationship. Quite the opposite.

    Let me just say that there is a "magic" ration of positive to negative interactions. You will never avoid all negatives, but they should be balanced with even more positives.

    WE basically want 5 positive interactions to 1 negative and a Horseman is a negative interaction.

    Let's talk about them again real quick. First we have criticism. It is one thing to lodge a complaint about your partner or about something that is going on in your relationship.

    Complaining is healthy. Criticism on the other hand is not fine because it usually is an attack of the person or way of indicating that they suck.

    Perhaps you think that they are selfish or they never think about you or they never do what you ask them to do. Telling them that, calling them that, is a criticism.

    A complaint might sound like "I'm really frustrated because you told me you would let the dog out and you didn't and I just stepped in pee. I am frustrated about it."

    That is a complaint. You said you would do this, you didn't, this is the result. I'm frustrated. It is not you telling them that they are selfish and never think of anyone except themselves.

    It may be the case that you are frustrated and there is nothing wrong with being frustrated about something and maybe you feel let down by it. That is okay, there is nothing wrong with feeling that way.

    Nobody said, well okay maybe someone said it because they were still living in that honeymoon moment of a fairy tale. But honestly, no one said that a relationship is going to always be fun and Golden.

    Or silver if you prefer silver. or diamonds, it does not really matter. I happen to like Golden.

    It is okay to feel that way but it is not okay to frame it in such a way that you say your partner sucks.

    And by not okay, I mean if you want your relationship to work out then you don't say those things.

    So Criticism is the first horseman and we will be going over him in fuller detail next week in Paxlair. How to recognize, deal with and over come Criticism.

    Defensiveness is the second, this can be a result of Critism. It can also be that some people are just prone to feeling defensive and feeling attacked so they tend to fight back immediately.

    This can look like tit for tat, it can look like the blame game, "you never let the dog out" , "well you never watch where you are going."

    That is defensiveness, "I was busy all day what do you expect?" .. That is defensiveness. That is how it is going to present its self.

    It can also be, I think the description I saw was "Righteous Vicimization". You will hear people say things like "I just don't know what to do, I just can't do anything right."

    There is this sort of "woe is me" sort of victim, victimized kind of persona.

    Anyone here heard someone say that? Maybe you have said that? That is Defensiveness taking a hold on you. You need to let it go before it destroys you.

    The last is Stonewalling or withdrawal. It could be someone getting up and leaving the room, avoiding a conversation, tuning the conversation out. Somebody just shutting down "okay, okay, fine, sure"

    That is Stonewalling, that is withdrawal. It oddly happens more often with men, or so Gottsman would like us to believe. However, I must admit I am an exception to that rule. This is my biggest brightest horse.

    I am working on it, do not get me wrong, I am working on it. But I am very well known for walking out of a room very dramatically and just shutting it out. I will admit after doing so I do scream usually internally and then return to the conversation.

    But it is still withdrawing and putting up a wall and it is not very nice leaving the other person hanging on to this frustration and you are just not letting them deal with it because you will not deal with it.

    The interesting thing is that in some cases, not in every case, the withdrawal and the stonewalling it is tied to physiology that people will get so physiologically aroused that they actually shut down.

    Think of it like revving up a car engine until it pops and just stops. It can't take anymore and neither can the stonewaller.

    it is common in males to reach that peek of "fight flight freeze" faster and they shut it down or at least their bodies shut down which is fascinating and scary at the same time.

    I can tell you that often times as I mentioned this is my biggest thing. I will get to that point and my mind does not shut down and I tune things out but my entire body will shut down and I will have black outs.

    In my case it is also often times when my sister Ember will come out because she is my defensive host.

    The fascinating thing about it is that not every time somebody goes into that shut down mode, the current conversation or conflict is not always the reason why or the trigger.

    Some people might just instantly shut down because they don't want to engage. It can also be a style, like a conflict style. Some people can be avoiders and avoidance can come across as withdrawal.

    So we have Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling or Withdrawal and the worst one of all, that can often be carried on through a persons entire life, weighing in at this corner, heavy weight champion of the Gottsman conflict...

    Contempt, although it is the third one, it is the worst one so we are talking about it last.

    Contempt is the most toxic, the most corrosive to any relationship. If I see this between people, especially with couples, which i do often with relationships .

    Again these things show up, they show up in happy couples too. This is the one that I like to see the least.

    Okay I really do not like to see any of them, they are not fun to experience, but this one in particular I really try to step in like "oh no no no, hang on a second this is contempt. Let's label it for what it is."

    It is a sign of moral superiority, it is a sign that I think I am better then you. Or I am better then you. I'm morally superior. Or I am a little more ethically or I have better values, the list could go on.

    It is a sign of being better then the other person. It shows up as sarcasm, picking, teasing.

    Do not misunderstand, if sarcasm is received in a funny way. If you and your partner are sarcastic to each other and it is witty and it feels fun, that is not contempt.

    But if you are sarcastic and you mean it like it is a jab, meant to hurt. That is contempt. Especially if it is received that way. Important to note, the receiver is important here.

    The receiever of the message, if they do not think it is funny, if they do not like it. Then it is contempt. If it is received as contempt, then it is contempt. Because it feels that way and that is the corrosive piece.

    So, Sarcasm, mocking, "But, you never come with me to the store." mockingly: "You never come with me to the store" That is contempt! That mocking, is hardcore contempt.

    Name Calling is contempt. Not to be confused with pet names.

    To me it is one of the least funny things to do and I see so many do it and I just want to tell them to stop. No, just don't do that, no name calling.

    But oddly, it is still funny at the same time. Isn't it? Sometimes someone will call someone a name and you just want to laugh, but at the same time you know it is wrong, they shouldn't call them that.

    It is the hardest thing to figure out what to do. Isn't it? Well, we will figure out how to recognize it better and what to do with it in week 4.

    Also hostile humour is contempt. jab jab jab jab, haha I am just joking. Nope! Sorry, Bzzz, that my friends is contempt.If it doesn't feel like a joke to the receiver then it isn't a joke. It isn't funny for all parties involved.

    The looks on a persons face can also depict contempt. Rolling eyes, sneers, long exasperated sighs, you are going to see these a lot.

    So those are all contempt and again contempt is the most corrosive of the four horsemen in any sort of relationship. And sadly it is the most common in any relationship.

    These are the four horsemen, they are negatives, they are hostile and they are destroyer of worlds, especially the world of relationships.

    However there are ways to combat each of these things and we are going to cover that over the next couple weeks.

    I do hope that you will be able to join us and I again wish to thank Asbury Baker for the challange on the subject. It is going to be very educational and truly putting me to the test.

    With all that said, if anyone would like to say anything the floor is open, my PMs are always open and by all means, I love to hear from you guys so please do not hesitate to send me a message.

    until next week, thank you all for being here and thank you for listening on Avatars Radio and later on Soundcloud.

    Until then, May the shadows of night keep and protect you always.

     
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  7. Amber Raine

    Amber Raine Community Ambassador (FR)

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    Message from Church Of The Dark Star:

    Please join us today in Paxlair (Winfield PaxLair) (Michael Sean Kane) as we commence the series of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypes with the first horse.. Critism.

    Join us today at 11am NBT in the Church of the Dark Star, center of Paxlair, Novia.

    You may also join us on AvatarsRadio.info

    ((Although I would really... really... like to see you in person!! warms my heart to see your faces!!))
     
  8. Amber Raine

    Amber Raine Community Ambassador (FR)

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    Due to current events, Church of the Dark Star service will be changing its path and putting our current series on Hold.

    This week, Saturday June 23 2018 will be dedicated to the men and women of Portalarium who have served and built us a world we could call home for the past several years.

    If you have a message you would like to be sent to them please let me know ahead of time and we will make it happen..

    Also.. as always.. the floor will be open for any and everyone to speak at the end of my ramblings...

    Until then...

    may the shadows of night keep and protect you all.. Always
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2018
  9. Amber Raine

    Amber Raine Community Ambassador (FR)

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    Reminder:
    Church of the Dark Star Service
    11am NBT, June 23rd, 2018
    This will be a special service for the men and women of Portalarium who have served and built us a world we can call home.
    Please join us in Radio City for this special church of the Dark Star service.
    Radio City is located across the blood river bridge from Aerie. Once you have reached Radio city, the area you are looking for is located in the center of town, enter Radio City from the over world Novia map and choose default landing zone, climb the hill and you will find the gates to the garden. Here we shall celebrate love, life and community.
    Thank you Portalarium, past and present and thank you Community for being strong, supportive and loving.
    We are not just playing a game in a made up world, we are living a life in our Home World.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2018
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  10. Amber Raine

    Amber Raine Community Ambassador (FR)

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