The R29 Unreliable Travel Guide

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  1. Vyrin

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    The SotA Writing Round Table Unreliable Travel Guide
    R29 Edition

    Much to the dismay of decent folk everywhere, The Unreliable Travel Guide continues to be published by two drunken layabouts who have nothing better to do than derive a dishonest income from unsuspecting avatars. It consists of little more than tall tales about random landmarks and happenings.

    Once again the publishers have discovered, through extensive use of such research tools as alcohol and imagination, several exciting things to report. The locations probably do exist, but the stories that take place within them are highly unlikely to be true. Enjoy!

    We have relocated our office to Brittany. Find us at the first house to the east of the fountain in the area of row houses by the docks. Bring refreshments.

    (This series is created at the SotA Writing Round Table where we offer friendly, supportive peer review with suggestions that can help polish any SotA related fiction.)

    The Unreliable Travel Guide is, well, unreliable. Not so the Hospitallers. They are a group of volunteer players who can provide you with answers to any questions you may have about the game. If you are new to New Britannia and would like some help, then you can signal that fact by setting your title to Outlander. This will tell Hospitallers that you are seeking their assistance.
     
  2. Vyrin

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    Brittany Castle Naively Welcomes the Public

    Lady Arabella has not changed her policy of allowing free access to Brittany Castle. The general public will continue to sit in the throne room while portrait artists paint their likenesses as if they were the monarch. They will continue to peer into storerooms and even travel up to the bedchambers. Nothing seems to deter the desire to grant access to the castle, even that fake serpent the queen found in her bed last week.

    Guards will continue to grumble about muddy boots, and they feel powerless as they must watch even the most dull-witted do things no monarch should tolerate. More importantly, they have lodged protests that assassins could slip in undetected. Some of the more vocal have even advocated barring all non-residents of Brittany from entering the city. However, the response to any complaint has simply been to be vigilant.

    Perhaps there is a hint of caution since the throne is replaced with a less spectacular, but still regal, chair when the monarch is not there. Continued precautions, not just against the sullying of nice things, are warranted. Any Novian would surely understand the locking of a few doors and the roping off of a few areas. However, any speculation about limitations only creates more traffic in the palace as people fear their access being taken away.

    Rumors fly as to what Lady Arabella is intending. No other noble across the land has dared to be so careless about what the public might do with unfettered opportunities to wander their estates. Is it a statement about her care and concern for the citizenry? A desire to be seen as approachable? People would like to continue to infer the best of motives, but if serious harm comes because of this policy, there may be accusations of carelessness and recklessness.

    For now, make sure you visit while you can and watch out for the guards who always seem to be a bit on-edge.
     
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    Ephesial Maletos

    Ephesial Maletos hates people. If he could overcome his natural revulsion at the thought of human interaction, he would by now have personally insulted every living inhabitant of Novia. And no doubt some of the dead ones too. In fact it was his shared animosity towards the entire human race that endeared him to the Kobold engineers who constructed his home - a somewhat unusual and forbidding structure on a remote island somewhere west of Norgard.

    So, why are we telling you this? The answer, dear reader, may surprise you. Despite his curmudgeonly ways, Ephesial Maletos has become lonely and seeks a wife. He has contacted The Unreliable Travel Guide with an offer. To any desirable lady who agrees to share the bitterly cold, windswept and desolate geographical accident that he calls home, he is prepared to offer one- fifth of his entire fortune.

    Mister Maletos has listed the following requirements for anyone wishing to become his wife.

    - The applicant must be astonishingly beautiful.
    - The applicant must not speak. Ever. All communication must be in the form of short messages chiseled in stone. (Fortunately there is no shortage of rocky outcrops on his island.)
    - The applicant must be an excellent cook, able to create culinary masterpieces from the carcasses of fish, birds and rats, all of which are in plentiful supply.

    Prospective wives may send their freshly chiselled applications to The Editors, The Unreliable Travel Guide, Brittany. We shall ensure that they reach their intended destination.
     
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    Keeping Up With Noble Fashion


    Every season, and sometimes every month, some new fashion trend takes hold among the elite of New Britannia. Oftentimes, the latest fad focuses on the elaborately designed cloaks that most of them seem to favor. We've seen many styles: the starched-rigid cloak, the distressed cloak, and the cloaks enchanted to move contrary to the laws of physics.

    Recently, the disembowler cloak has come into style. This cloaks are designed so that the back can be tucked into a belt while a carefully placed cut allows the rest to drape down from the front. The resulting effect makes it seem the poor noble's mantle has disturbingly cleaved him in two.

    Reactions have been mixed. While many too poor to don such fanciful cloaks scoff at the practice, it has caused continual double-takes, giving the fashion-forward aristocrat the attention he craves. Some of the more socially conscious have called for the nobles to stop destroying perfectly good garments and instead donate them to the less fortunate. Many more approve of the trend and hope for similar styles such as the immobilizing cloak, the gag cloak, and the strangler cloak.
     
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    The Curious Town of Itchy Bottom

    Somewhere on the vast plains of the Perennial Coast is a small village named Itchy Bottom. It's a pleasant enough place with a small tavern, a general goods merchant and a couple of families whose lineage seems to predate the cataclysm. Most travellers who spend a night there would describe the inhabitants as friendly and their stay as uneventful. Those who survive that is. Apparently, all is not as it seems.

    A researcher in Ardoris has stumbled across a curious fact. While researching causes of death amongst the inhabitants of the Perennial Coast, Phineas Bloom attempted to find some common factor linking those who went missing and whose bodies were never recovered. He discovered that the majority of them disappeared while travelling, and on examining their travel routes, he found that a great number of them passed through Itchy Bottom. Intrigued by this curious coincidence, Phineas Bloom correlated the dates that these unfortunate souls disappeared with various events and natural phenomena. Eventually he discovered that in the majority of cases the reported disappearances coincided with the arrival of a full moon.

    Naturally we are intrigued by this revelation and are planning to send our intern to Itchy Bottom to interview the local tavern owner, Lupus Hirsute. As the roads can be a little dangerous at times, we have scheduled his visit for the next full moon in case he has to negotiate the roads at night.

    We look forward to his report.
     
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    False Lakeside Property Being Sold in the Hinterlands

    Guard Captain Brigid works tirelessly to cultivate authenticity among the Knights of Norgard and the residents of South Palladis. She feels identification and testimony lead to a stable and strong society. Despite her work, however, many people looking to buy land are being deceived by a scheme offering cheap property in beautiful locations. Elaborate brochures with colorful etchings have been mysteriously appearing in just the right spots to attract the attention of the wealthy. Usually, they offer an abundance of lakeside property in the Hinterlands.

    The deception works because of the recent rush on land. Real estate prices have soared with a very limited supply. The rich are claiming anything they can, desperate for any new land, even putting themselves in danger to acquire it. Brigid has deployed the the Knights to spread the word that, although the Hinterlands are indeed quite beautiful, its only residents are hostile bandits trying to lure the unsuspecting.

    It seems that every week, someone new goes missing, with their family and friends claiming they went off to the Hinterlands. Take the case of young Sir Farnsworth Cuddleston. Desperate to leave his teenage years with a keep to call his own, he recently became the latest victim. His father had virtually imprisoned him to keep him from being lured by such scams. He had caught Farnsworth eyeing a poster for a new settlement called "Volcano's Rim". Yet the young man was able to escape because he befriended one of the maidservants on the estate who came at night and set him free. Farnsworth's father did not want the news to be spread, but Brigid has no concern for propriety when lives are at stake. She has been retelling the story mercilessly.

    Please remember to consult this authentic publication before making any land purchases. Unless you see a verification here, assume any new offers are bogus. Our new real estate section also tracks the latest exorbitant prices, which are for most of us, nothing but a good laugh.
     
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    Letter to the Editors


    Dear Editors,

    I have been told that your publication is targeted specifically at so-called "avatars". I assume that is some kind of acronym. Perhaps it stands for Avaricious, Vile, Anti-social, Thieving and Arrogant Retards. But I digress. The reason I pen this missive is to issue my declaration of war.

    This morning my fiancée and I were walking through Brittany looking for a modest home in which to settle, when we were literally bowled over by a sudden onslaught of high-ranking outlanders. Despite clearly having the no doubt ill-gotten means to purchase keep-sized residences, they quickly snapped up all the row houses along the shoreline and main thoroughfare leading from the docks to the castle. As my fiancée and I picked ourselves up from the cobblestones and prepared to look further afield, a second wave barged in and once more sent us flying.

    I guess I shouldn't complain. They did leave one row house with an impressive view overlooking the sewerage works. Breathtaking. Also, it's a mere seven flights of stairs from the nearest street. I'm sure my crippled mother will appreciate the exercise whenever she comes to visit.

    Which brings me to this declaration. From now on, whenever some moronic, monosyllabic outlander pokes me and says "houses", I shall send them on a wild goose chase. If they jab me with their finger and say "health", I'll confess to having probably just infected them with a highly contagious disease, the cure for which can only be found by milking spiders in the Necropolis. If they prod me and say "rumor", I shall send them on an exciting sounding quest that is sure to result in a messy and prolonged death.

    Yours sincerely,

    Anonymous (because they are immortal, and I'm not)


    Dear Anonymous,

    Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with us. Unfortunately we can only respond to registered subscribers. We cordially invite you to take out a subscription with Novia's premier avatar publication. Each month we bring descriptions of new and exciting places for avatars such as yourself to visit or simply read about. Through us you can learn more about local Novians and how to outwit them. I'm sure you'll find The Unreliable Travel Guide an ideal companion in your travels through this strange and backward land.

    Regards,

    The Editors
     
  8. Sophi

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    Another AWESOME offering from The Unreliable Travel Guide!!!
    laughed my head off!
    thanks guys, you never fail to impress!!
    :)
     
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