A sign - Feedback wanted

I wrote this as a first attempt at a more fantasy style of writing. More than trying to tell a story, this was to help me learn to set mood. Feedback and critiques are very much welcome. I envisioned this as possibly a story being told by an old sage about their early life.

A sign
I settled down on the soft grass hill rising above Owls Head. Each night I came to this spot, hoping to find some guidance. A soft breeze stirring the night, sending a whisper through the nearby trees. Where was my destiny? I was no great warrior, I had no knowledge of magic, and no travelers came from afar to buy my wares. I was restless as I sat hoping for the night to speak to me. Occasionally the cackle of the moon tower below broke the silence.

I waited.

Each night I came here, and I listened, and I looked. The brilliant sphere above, shattered, but alive. No two nights did it look the same, as the shards moved like a dancer trying to regain their balance. Some nights it seemed a piece was missing. Had it become a new Shardfall? Other nights, new ones seemed to appear as if coming to the aid of the fractured orb. Yet the moon offered no more answers than the wind.

I waited.

My eyes gazed across the sky. The stars were always brilliant this time of year. Each night I traced the pictures in the stars, noting how they changed throughout the seasons. Tonight the great Ankh was clear in the sky.

Then I paused.

A group of stars I had never noticed shone brightly tonight. The scores of times I had been on this hill and watched this same sky, how had I not noticed them? I traced the pattern, there was a curve, like an archers bow. Scribes sometimes told stories of new pictures visiting the sky for a night. The stars were almost pulsing now as I traced an “x” I the middle. The rest of the sky seemed to fade away, even the great Ankh was now not more than a shadow. I finished tracing the curve, completing a sideways figure-eight. I knew this symbol, but as of yet, I did not know its meaning. But yes, I knew its name: Infinity.

I waited no more.

 

Hi UnseenDragon, terrific sense of visual imagery in your passage. I'm still learning too.

Regards,

 

This is a compelling introduction....great work Unseen! I like it and read it several times.

There seems to be a change in tense (past->present) after the second "I Waited" that makes it feel a little unnatural. The story starts as if knowing that the "vision" would come that night (after endless nights without a "vision"), but after the second "I waited," the storyteller seems surprised in the present and starting on an unknown path (if it was in the past, it would be a known path).

 

Good work, it is a compelling story introduction.

Specifically what I liked about it was that it ties the concept of a person searching for themselves to searching the stars to finding something there to some mystery that will be revealed. That raises questions. Is that sign tied to the person's destiny? Is it some form of motivator? Is it an omen of evil ahead that spurs the character to action? Is it the sign that you just saw on an outhouse door and this will turn into a comedy? What is that connection exactly. It leaves a bunch of avenues open for what comes next.

 

Very nice imagery! I believe you're a natural if this is your first attempt.

 

Unseen, this is fantastic. This starts to explain your character and why he wanders the land, but I want to know what happens next - what leads you to start the journey?

 

Thank you for this feedback. I'm really bad with maintaining tense, so I'm not surprised I messed that up. I think it should be all past tense since supposedly this is the telling of the story.
EDIT: I read back over it, and I'm not seeing the break. I used a lot of 'ed's on words, but I think I did it in the proper manner. e.g. "the stars were always brilliant....' If you could point out the error, that would be a big help. Like I said, this is an area I struggle with.

My intent was that the watcher was expecting one some night, but didn't know when and didn't know what form it would take.

 

Just taking a chance to read some other stories... I want to provide some small editing suggestions to help it get even better. I think the interaction between writers can only make us better, so I appreciate review too. Will you continue it?

Here's your text with my comments...




A sign
I settled down on the soft grass hill rising above Owls Head. Each night I came to this spot, hoping to find some guidance (word choice is ok, maybe inspiration? check whether shade of meaning is what you want...). A soft breeze stirring the night, sending a whisper through the nearby trees (fragment: no verb in this sentence only two participial phrases modifying breeze). Where was my destiny? I was no great warrior, I had no knowledge of magic, and no travelers came from afar to buy my wares. I was restless as I sat hoping for the night to speak to me. Occasionally the cackle (you mean crackle... if it cackles that would be sort of odd....) of the moon tower below broke the silence.

I waited.

Each night I came here, and I listened, and I looked. The brilliant sphere above, shattered, but alive. (again a sentence fragment.) No two nights did it look the same, as the shards moved like a dancer (your comparison needs to be either both similar or both plural... the shards moved like dancers or the array of shards moved like a dancer) trying to regain their (again this has to agree singular or plural, in the end it's not even needed) balance. Some nights it seemed a piece was missing. Had it become a new Shardfall? Other nights, new ones seemed to appear as if coming to the aid of the fractured orb. Yet the moon offered no more answers than the wind.

I waited.

My eyes gazed across the sky. The stars were always brilliant this time of year. Each night I traced the pictures in the stars, noting how they changed throughout the seasons. Tonight the great Ankh was clear in the sky. (Think about what point you are narrating the story from... Tonight would only make sense if you are telling the story on the same night as the ankh appeared. If you are recounting this after that night, then tonight won't work.)

Then I paused.

A group of stars I had never noticed shone brightly tonight. (Repetition of tonight which has already been stated in last paragraph.) The scores of times I had been on this hill and watched this same sky, how had I not noticed them? I traced the pattern, there was a curve, like an archers bow. (No need to use a comma when a period will do, especially when it's just joining clauses that naturally seem to break. Could be two sentences.) Scribes sometimes told stories of new pictures visiting the sky for a night. The stars were almost pulsing now as I traced an “x” I (in) the middle. The rest of the sky seemed to fade away, even the great Ankh was now not more than a shadow. I finished tracing the curve, completing a sideways figure-eight. I knew this symbol, but as of yet, I did not know its meaning. But yes, I knew its name: Infinity. (A clarity point: every word/name is a symbol which has a meaning. Can be confused here with the idea that someone told you the shape was infinity but didn't explain what infinity is. I think you mean the character doen't know the personal meaning that the symbol and the concept of infinity has for him/her.)

I waited no more.

 

Agreed that maintaining tense is tough. I found this site a useful resource (although it did not provide exact/specific answers for this story):
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/601/04/

Here is what I felt was present tense (a switch from the former past tense):
The stars were always brilliant this time of year.
Tonight the great Ankh was clear in the sky.
A group of stars I had never noticed shone brightly tonight.
The stars were almost pulsing now as I traced an “x” I the middle.