Editing the Story Sneak Peaks

I've been listening to a series of writing podcasts, and recently I listened to one about line editing your writing. Line editing is about tightening up individual sentences, but it's not about changing plot, characters, themes, etc. It's about dealing the the micro issues in your prose, not the macro issues in your story.

It was around this same time that the first story sneak peek came out. Upon reading it (and subsequent story sneak peaks) I could not help but think that it was missing the benefit of an editor's pen. I noticed some grammatical errors, typos, and questionable punctuation -- including an overly liberal use of semi-colons.

Please note, this is not meant to be a criticism of the author(s) of these pieces. Just yesterday I was listening to another podcast episode on editing, which happened to feature Tracy Hickman as a guest. In the episode he said (I'm paraphrasing) "Every writer in the world, I don't care who you are, needs an editor."

Since I've been trying to psych myself up to give NaNoWriMo a go this November, I decided to try line editing the story sneak peeks. The following posts are my attempts. Again, I'm not trying to change the content of the story snippets, just the structure and flow of the sentences. There are a few places, particularly in the third sneak peek, where I'm not really clear on what information is trying to be conveyed, so my edits might have conflicted with some of the macro considerations.

I would be interested in seeing how others of you would take the original story sneak peeks and edit them yourselves.

 

Story Sneak Peek 1​

​

ORIGINAL​

​

“Few know the tales of the dark times, much less what happened before them. Since the great Cataclysm 400 years ago the world has slowly recovered but much was lost…”​

– Arabella​

​

Where do we start, when telling a tale? We would start at the beginning, but so much of those days have been lost to us. We can see the fragments of the world that came before all around us; under a hill near a quiet village there might be a ruined building, made of alabaster and marble, speaking quietly of days past and glories lost. Occasionally an inscription can be seen carved in a wall, a fragment in a language similar to ours, yet different enough to be unclear.​

​

The ruins of the world past tell us little, so we turn to myth, prophecies and legends retold. They speak of a cataclysm long ago, when the sky burned and the ground tore itself apart, and the long years afterward, the cold, dark famine. The stones of the past tell little of who survived and how. The legends tell us only that so very few did.​

​

We know a little more of their children, the men and women who rebuilt our world from the shattered past. They were a practical people, those who passed through far more than we can imagine. They left few grand monuments; you could say that their greatest monument was their own survival.​

​

And of their children, we know more. The desire for power and control returned, as it always does, to consume the weak and the strong. Wars were fought then, amongst the ruined cities of their forefathers. New magic came to the world then, as warlords vying for power sought any advantage over each other. New, terrible monsters thought only whispered legends began to walk the earth in those days, serving their purpose in the endless conflict, even if that purpose was only chaos.​

​

And their children understood it could not continue, and united to defend themselves against the warlords and the sorcerers. The city states arose in those days, and we learned that together we could defend ourselves. Yet still the darkness and the chaos pushed at us.​

We are still a practical people, traveller. We do not think much about the why, only the how. We are young, after all, and it has not been very long in the shape of things that we have had the luxury to breathe. We are still building our world back to where we can shape our own monuments of alabaster and marble.​

​

Legends and myths tell us little traveller, but they are very specific at times, and those are the times when legends can frighten you. I tell you this, because there is one legend in particular that should interest you. It tells that the world will begin its next cycle, led by a power horrible and great. It is very specific as to the year, traveller. And I think you can guess which year that is foretold.​

​

And that, traveller, is why we fear you…​

​

EDITED​

​

“Few know the tales of the dark times, much less what happened before them. Since the great Cataclysm 400 years ago the world has slowly recovered, but much was lost…”​

– Arabella​

​

Where do we start, when telling a tale? We would start at the beginning, but so much of those days has been lost to us. All around us we can see the fragments of the world that came before. Under a hill, near a quiet village, a ruined alabaster and marble building speaks quietly of days past and glories lost. Carved in a wall, one can see a fragment of inscription in a language similar to ours, yet different enough to be unclear.​

​

The ruins of the world past tell us little, so we turn to myths, prophecies, and legends. They speak of a cataclysm long ago, when the sky burned and the ground tore itself apart, and of the long years afterward. Of the cold, dark famine. The stones of the past tell little of who survived. Or how. The legends tell only that so very few did.​

​

We know a little more of their children – the men and women who rebuilt our world from the shattered past. They were a practical people who passed through far more than we can imagine. They left few grand monuments. You could say that their greatest monument was their own survival.​

​

And of their children, we know more. The desire for power and control returned, as it always does, to consume the weak and the strong. They fought wars amongst the ruined cities of their forefathers. New magic came to the world then, as warlords vying for power sought any advantage. New, terrible monsters, once thought only whispered legends, appeared across the land in those days, spreading chaos and conflict among the people.​

​

Their children understood it could not continue, and they united to defend themselves against the warlords, the sorcerers, and the creatures bent on destruction. City states arose in those days, and we learned that together we could defend ourselves. Yet still the darkness and the chaos pushed at us.​

​

We are still a practical people, traveller. We do not think much about the why, only the how. We are young, after all, and it has not been very long in the shape of things that we have had the luxury to breathe. We are still rebuilding our world, seeking the strength to shape our own monuments of alabaster and marble.​

​

Legends and myths usually tell us little, traveller, but they are very specific at times. And those are the times when legends can frighten us. I tell you this because there is one legend in particular that should interest you. It tells that the world will begin its next cycle, led by a power both horrible and great. It is very specific as to the year, traveller. And I think you can guess which year is foretold.​

​

And that, traveller, is why we fear you…​

 

Side note: I don't understant this line. "And that, traveller, is why we fear you…"

It's not intuitive to me. Why do you fear the traveller? Just a head's up, Tracy Hickman.

 

Story Sneak Peek 2​

​

ORIGINAL​

“…it shall come to pass four long centuries after the fall​

There shall come one from beyond the circles of the sundered moon​

Who shall bind the world together once again​

From its shattered stone and boiled seas…”​

– The Dire Prophecies​

​

Greetings, traveller. I am Arabella, and I have been sent to find you. There are those who believe you are the one of whom the prophecies speak. A great burden, and a great destiny, if in fact you are the one foreseen…​

​

In this appointed hour, we have been taught to expect one from another world, one distant from ours in both time and space… the world of Earth, of Lord British. Yes, he remains with us, and if all goes well, he hopes to meet you on your travels…​

​

Yet, there are paths that you must walk, as the prophecies foretold. There are many who would challenge your place here, in the lands of New Britannia. There are many who have forsaken the virtues, and embraced a world out of balance. This, too, was forseen.​

​

However, what you must always remember, traveller, is that prophecy is but a guide. Your destination may become clear, but what you make of it, and how you shape the world in your wake, is up to you. I beseech you, always remember this… and let it guide you. Always remain true to yourself, and to the virtues. For the sake of New Britannia, you must.​

​

Where shall you begin then, traveller?​

​

Among the seekers of truth, the elvenfolk of legend, lost in the mists of their own illusions? Can you find your way, the way of Truth, among so many who have lost their own?​

​

Or what of the shields of courage, the brave lords of the northwestern lands who act as bulwarks, fighting in the endless war against the kobolds who shape technology and magic to challenge the dominance of man? Will you have the Courage to understand why they still fight, and will they?​

​

Perhaps your path will begin where the dead rise again in torment, the undead armies of Spite, who have stolen compassion itself in a cold fury aimed at everyone yet alive? Can you find Love in a land so stricken with hatred?​

​

The map lies open before you, traveller. It is only for you to choose the path of your destiny. For at your path’s end, as the prophecies have forseen, you must face the hidden ruler of this world, and then you will need all the wisdom our world can teach you…​

​

And at that time, only fate can know what time holds in store for you. For us all.​

​

It is time to choose, traveller…​

​

EDITED​

​

“…it shall come to pass four long centuries after the fall​

There shall come one from beyond the circles of the sundered moon​

Who shall bind the world together once again​

From its shattered stone and boiled seas…”​

– The Dire Prophecies​

​

Greetings, traveller. I am Arabella, and I have been sent to find you. There are those who believe you are the one of whom the prophecies speak. A great burden, and a great destiny, if in fact you are the one foreseen…​

​

In this appointed hour, we have been taught to expect one from another world. A world distant from ours in both time and space… the world of Earth. Of Lord British. Yes, he remains with us, and if all goes well, he hopes to meet you on your travels.​

​

Yet, first there are paths that you must walk, as the prophecies foretold. There are many who would challenge your place here, in the lands of New Britannia. There are many who have forsaken the virtues and embraced a world out of balance. This, too, was foreseen.​

​

However, what you must always remember, traveller, is that prophecy is but a guide. Your destination may become clear, but what you make of it, and how you shape the world in your wake, is up to you. I beseech you, always remember this… and let it guide you. Always remain true to yourself, and to the virtues. For the sake of New Britannia, you must.​

​

Where will you begin then, traveller? Among the seekers of truth, the elvenfolk of legend? They are lost in the mists of their own illusions. Can you find your way, the way of Truth, among so many who have lost their own?​

​

Or will you start among the shields of courage? The brave lords of the northwestern lands, those bulwarks, fight in an endless war against the kobolds, who shape technology and magic to challenge the dominance of man. Will you have the Courage to understand why they still fight? Will they?​

​

Or will your path begin where the dead rise again in torment? The undead armies of Spite, who have stolen compassion itself, aim their cold fury at everyone yet alive. Can you find Love in a land so stricken with hatred?​

​

The map lies open before you, traveller. It is only for you to choose the path of your destiny. Choose carefully, for at your path’s end, as the prophecies have foreseen, you must face the hidden ruler of this world, and then you will need all the wisdom our world can teach you.​

​

Only fate can know what is in store for you. For us all.​

​

It is time to choose, traveller…​

 

I agree. Some of the language seems too informal and doesn't fit with my expectation of the text coming straight out of a novel. The voice in the text is sometimes indistinct and it feels a little jarring.

From the recent update:

"Earlier, I described to you the choice you face initially; which path to take in your journey into the lands of New Britannia."

To something like:
"Previously, I told you of a choice that you must make; a path that you must decide upon in your journey into the lands of New Britannia."



"The Vertas people that live in the Forsaken Vale, for example, a new race borne of the Cataclysm which we have grown to call “elves”; Lord British has told me this may be reference to a long-distant legend that the people of Novia have since forgotten."

That "for example" reads more like a tech manual than a fictional story. Also"told me this may be reference" doesn't sound great either, again it sounds more like a tech manual or just another forum post.

So I'd suggest something like:
"The Vertas that live in the Forsaken Vale are a race borne of the Cataclysm, the locals call them “elves”; Lord British has told me the legend of the almost forgotten people of Novia."



Granted, people will have slightly different styles / preferences but I think the text can be tightened.

 

Story Sneak Peak 3​

​

ORIGINAL​

Welcome again, traveller. I am Arabella, and I have been sent to guide you…​

​

Earlier, I described to you the choice you face initially; which path to take in your journey into the lands of New Britannia. Now, I will endeavor to shine some light on those choices, and the impact upon you and those you will meet. The first, your possible pathways among the seekers of Truth.​

​

Among the truths you will learn is that much of our knowledge of the land of New Britannia is lost to the ages. The survivors of the Cataclysm four centuries past have settled in the land we call “Novia”, a large island which, while bearing the scars of that time, still harbors enough life to support our people. And others, as well… many of which you will meet on your travels. The Vertas people that live in the Forsaken Vale, for example, a new race borne of the Cataclysm which we have grown to call “elves”; Lord British has told me this may be reference to a long-distant legend that the people of Novia have since forgotten. The Vertas elves for their part are like men, but different… different enough. They struggle to live alongside the rest of us, but where a man might burn with emotional fire, an elf will be cold, distant. They worship history, knowledge and truth, and those who wish to learn the wisdom they hold would do well to discover the ways of these people. It is certain you will encounter them on your way.​

​

The elves are not the only new race you may encounter, traveller. The lands of the southwest are rich and full of life, and that is rare in Novia. Men and mythical creatures mix throughout, and that brings conflict, as it always does. As our numbers recover from the Cataclysm, the settlements of various races meet, and begin to argue about land and water and right and wrong and truth and lies. Peace lies on a fine edge; it is an edge you may have to walk along. And always the Fomorians, remnants from the Dark Armies of wars past threaten; from their strongholds in Blackblade Pass they often strike looking for prey.​

​

You will see many wonders on your path, traveler; the fauns of Midmaer and the barrens of Quel, the sailors who brave the Bay of Storms (whose name is well earned) seeking to take travellers to the legendary lands of Elysium, where lies the halls of Artifice. There, your destiny will take you, traveller, though it will challenge you in ways you do not yet expect.​

​

This, then, will be one of the challenges facing you as prophesied – the journey of Truth. Will it be the Truth you wish to find? Or will it be the Truth that you wish would be? Or, will you see the Truth as it truly is? The choice will be yours…​

​

EDITED​

​

Welcome again, traveller. I am Arabella, and I have been sent to guide you…​

​

Earlier, I described to you the choice you initially face: which path to take in your journey into the lands of New Britannia. Now I will endeavor to shine some light on those choices, and their impact upon you and those you will meet. ​

​

Among the truths you will learn is that much of our knowledge of the land of New Britannia is lost to the ages. The survivors of the Cataclysm four centuries past have settled in the land we call “Novia”, a large island which, while bearing the scars of that time, still harbors enough life to support our people. And others, as well… ​

​

The Vertas people that live in the Forsaken Vale, for example. Born of the Cataclysm, they are a new race, which we have grown to call “elves”. Lord British has told me this may be reference to a long-distant legend that the people of Novia have since forgotten. The Vertas elves, for their part, are like men, but different. Different enough that they struggle to live alongside the rest of us. Where a man might burn with emotional fire, an elf will be cold, distant. They worship history, knowledge, and truth, and those who wish to learn the wisdom they hold would do well to discover the ways of these people. It is certain you will encounter them on your way.​

​

The elves are not the only new race you will encounter, traveller. The lands of the southwest are rich and full of life, a rarity in Novia. Men and mythical creatures mix throughout, and that brings conflict, as proximity always does. As our numbers recover from the Cataclysm, the settlements of various races meet, and begin to argue about land and water and right and wrong and truth and lies. Peace balances on a fine edge; it is an edge you may have to walk along. ​

​

And the Fomorians – remnants from the Dark Armies of wars past – always threaten. From their strongholds in Blackblade Pass they often strike, looking for prey.​

​

You will see many wonders on your path, traveler: the fauns of Midmaer and the barrens of Quel, the sailors who brave the Bay of Storms (whose name is well earned) seeking to take travellers to the legendary lands of Elysium, where lies the halls of Artifice. There, your destiny will take you, traveller, though it will challenge you in ways you do not yet expect.​

​

This, then, as prophesied, will be one of the choices facing you: the journey of Truth. Will it be the Truth you expect to find? Or will it be the Truth that you wish would be? Or, will it be the Truth as it truly is? The choice will be yours…​

​

​

[Editor’s notes: In paragraph 1 of the original, the first sentence indicates the first choice is where to start in Britannia, while the last sentence indicates the first choice is ‘your possible pathways among the seekers of Truth’ I’m assuming they refer to the same choice, so I completely removed the last sentence, considering it redundant. If they are not the same thing, the whole paragraph needs to be reworked to make it more clear what choices are being discussed.​

​

Paragraph 3 of the original begins by suggesting other new races, then goes on to talk of men and mythical creatures in the southwest, and at the end of the paragraphs mentions Fomorians. It is not clear if there is some unnamed race in the southwest, or if that’s where the Fomorians are. I think the Fomorians are separate from the peoples of the southwest, so I broke them into their own paragraph. If there is another race in the southwest, they should be named at the top of the paragraph. If there is not another race, paragraph 3 should mention other new races, go on to discuss the Fomorians, then continue on a new paragraph with the stuff about the conflicts in the southwest.​

​

In the last paragraph, the first two questions seem the same - Will it be the Truth you wish to find? Or will it be the Truth that you wish would be? so I altered the first one to make it distinct, but it may not be reflective of the intent behind the original sentences, so it may not be appropriate. ]​

 

I actually thought that line was the most powerful of the piece. They fear the traveller because the world is starting a new cycle "led by a power horrible and great". That horrible power may be the avatar, aka traveller.

 

Yes, it's a powerful statement, but it's also oddly mysterious. There are many travellers (all the players - current count 25k) and I presume the person talking knows that. The rest of the lore is much more direct. To me it came off kind of like this, "So I get this call from this guy and he's like 'You're really hot" and I'm like "Yeah, thanks" and then he's like "Did you see that new movie?" and I'm like "Yeah I saw that already, but I'd see it again." And then he's says "Ok well how about I pick you up at 8 tonight?" So I say "Cool." And that's why I don't like seeing a movie when it first comes out.

I can imply that the girl doesn't like that she's going to have to see the same movie over again because she really wants to go out with this guy. But the communication of that is horrible.

 

The prophecy stated the exact year that it was to happen. The traveller showed up in that year. So they fear the traveller because he/she could be the "power horrible and great."
X

 

Accept that every player is "the traveller" and so this conversation is going on at least 25,000 times, and I don't see a link between the traveller and the horrible and great "thing" leading. The prophecy doesn't read "The traveller will appear and lead a force horrible and great." It just says " It tells that the world will begin its next cycle, led by a power both horrible and great."

So for me there's a complete absence of logic here. The people of this world must assume ANYTHING new or different is possibly something "horrible and great." When I play the game I think I'm going to say "No, I don't understand at all. Ok, I'm the traveller. But I can assure you that I have no great power horrible or great. In fact, I'm pretty much just wandering around this world trying to figure out what's going on. Now can you please answer a few questions for me? Firstly, why do people in your world need beds since no one needs to sleep?"

 

I interpret the prophecy as saying that New Britannians fear you because they aren't sure whether or not you (a powerful alien who is supposedly their new Avatar) will usher in a new Golden Age or a new Age of Darkness. (The prophecy is deliberately vague about this.) Considering the fact it took them so long to recover from the Great Cataclysm of 400 years ago, their apprehension is quite understandable...Frankly, I believe these story tidbits have been deliberately released in this unedited form to tease you (and raise more questions). I'm sure the final, edited, manuscript will make things a lot more clearer...

 

What you see as illogical is quite logical in a multiplayer game with a big single player story. If you don't have that conversation 25,000 times, then no one will think of themselves as important and what good is the single player story then? When the prophecy says something bad is going to happen at a specific time and a lot of strange arrivals start around then people get worried. I also don't interpret it as either bad or good. 'Great' in this case could just mean large in scale and power. Players have to get prodded into the story somehow, or they are likely to remain Assistant Pig Keepers their whole life. A prophecy where they are potentially 'the one' are one way to do that.

As far as regular npc folk are concerned, maybe anything new and different is to be avoided based on recent events? Perhaps the only ones who actually know about the coming of the Avatar are scholars and mages.

I have a few ideas about possible story in the game. What if we all have the power to become the Avatar or the Anti-Avatar? What if certain people who set themselves apart from the rest are offered the chance to have a greater place in the live story?

 

Of course. But this is presumably happening at the very beginning of the game and not after those players have been selected out of the great pool of joe average's.

I enjoy the lore immensely, but in this one line (an important line) it's confusing and illogical.

 

It's not illogical, but I don't know what else I can do do convince you. You seem like you pretty much have your mind made up that there is no possible way that a world can be afraid of 25000 people suddenly arriving the same year that a prophecy says some bad stuff is going to happen.

 

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize that's what you were saying. Yes, of course they should be scared of that. Now then, if only the lore read that way. It doesn't. We're assuming based on logic we've painfully applied over the course of a Sunday afternoon. I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that we're wrong about this entirely.

 

Now if someone could just edit out any mention of elvenfolk...

 

"Overused, irrelevant and reused RPG elements are not the essence of my Ultimate RPG." - Richard Garriott​

​

I can't help but think that New Britannian/Novian elves are not straightforward Lord of the Rings-type beings.

 

Ok, elves and kobols are being beaten in other threads, so in regards to the vagueness of some of the lines -- they're intentional. And yes, they fully well know what it means in regards to avatar vs. Avatar and they're not going to tell us anything about that and have explicitly said they won't. Because just by coincidence, I transcribed the entire hour long talk between Richard and Tracy regarding the backstory. Vjek edited it and posted it to his Video Transcription thread. You can find that entire post here but here's a snippet:

GD:
Another question coming from chat. DavenRock wants to know what can you tell us about how the story deals with the new immense amount of Avatars appearing in the world.

TH:
<LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY>

RG:
So you now you get into the definition of the term "avatar". So as some people maybe know I used the word avatar in Ultima 4. It was to describe the -- well first of all the Hindu word means "the incarnation of a belief or philosophy usually a deity on Earth in physical form". And that's what I liked this being your avatar, well first of all, the character you play is your avatar, no matter how many people you are. Just like in the movie Avatar is now become the generic term for your projection into another body in another reality or another purpose.
So depending if you use the little letter 'a' or the capital letter 'A' for avatar the story is somewhat different. The story, part of the whole point of me needing to reach out to someone with the skills that Tracy has was I because I wanted to tell a multiplayer story. I wanted to tell a story that was not about, I'm the Avatar with a capital A and you're not. Because of that course means it has to be a solo player game and we have to have blinders one and ignore the fact that he thinks he's playing the same story if we see each other.
We've created a new story. This new story is, everyone has a role to play, and while we can't tell you about "winning" this game and how and why that may transpire either similarly or profoundly differently for every player that plays it, that's the challenge we wanted to undertake. So fear not that is exactly what we're doing. So I don't know if Tracy you want to allude to a little bit about how we're telling a multiplayer story.

TH:
Yeah actually the mechanics of that are pretty exciting. In story terms rather than game terms, because I think story terms are more easily recognized. Is there more than one avatar in the world? Absolutely. There are many avatars in the world. And avatars returning to the world in many places here are, is seen as an invasion. It is, and an unwelcome one. Things seem to be going pretty well without them, thank you very much.
Is there an avatar with a capital A, is there a destined one here to some great purpose? Yes, yes there is, and is he among the avatars, is she among the avatars? Yes, I believe that they are. But how that is determined in the course of our game and the course of our story and is all part of the structure of the story that we're trying to tell. So is there a valid reason why there are so many avatars in the world? Absolutely. Is that seen as a good thing?
Absolutely not, at least not to the local inhabitants that are here and who are used to the power structures and societies that they've developed on their own, no thanks to the avatar thank you very much. So it actually is a wonderful incorporation of both story and game over an epic period of play and time. So I guess the answer to that is yes, there is a very good reason why there are so many avatars who are here. Not only does it not break the story, it is an integral part of the story. And is there a destiny for an avatar? Absolutely. Absolutely. We just can't tell you about it.

RG:
<LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY> And you know there might even be more than one...destiny.

 

I don't have a problem with there being elves honestly. You know who did a good job making them cooler than the sort of feeble LOTR tropes ? Games Workshop and their whole Eldar / Dark Eldar / Harlequin thing they did. I know GW was primarily art centered, but I did play a few games of Warhammer Fantasy back in the day and while the system wasn't balanced well by today's standards, it definately had a different feel to it with what they did, more organic, more visceral than the US D&D stuff eventually became in the late 80's.

 

Also I have to say it takes a lot of guts to want to edit anything written by Tracy Hickman and or Richard Garriott lol. Not that they are writers we hold up as gods or anything, but, you know, Tracy has been doing it a long time and I'd just be nervous calling him out in a forum.

But I guess that's what editing is all about