Tale of the Red Hat Gnomes - Part I

--I do so love the Fire Lotus Tavern, especially on cold days like today. The warm fire, a mug of hot koffee, some rose petal koffee kake, and my long stemmed pipe. Come! Sit over here near the fire and let me regale you with an odd story from the future!
--"Get off my lawn!" yelled the crotchety old man as I walked past the opening in his front wall. Puzzled, I stopped and retorted smartly, "Huh?"
--"You outlanders are impossible!"
--"Forgive me good sir," I said with a bow. "I am Mingo theBard."
--Slightly mollified he nodded his head and introduced himself. "I am Theodore, sometimes called the BLESSED. Moderately well met then, Mingo."
--"Blessed?" I inquired interrogatively; noting the all caps used.
--"People call me that because I have met RED HAT GNOMES and survived. See?" he pointed to a garden gnome on his lawn, complete with red hat.
--"Never heard of gnomes," I muttered. "But that is a nifty statue, wonder if I could get one..."
--"Ah," old Theodore said with a wistful look in his eye. "I know of no one who has seen them beside myself; at least no one who SURVIVED. It is because of my SUCCESS that I, and I alone of the villagers, am granted a house and a plot of land."
--It was then that I realized Theodore was an NPC! "Pray good Theodore is there some special meaning to the RED HAT?"
--"The red hat designates the fiercest, most savage of the gnomes. I once did them a FAVOR."
--"Oh? What kind of favor?"
--Theodore smiled and walked over to the garden gnome statue, clinking it on the head with his walking stick, generating a melodic metallic ringing as of a far off bell. "The FAVOR I did was to help them with their battle against the BLUE HAT GNOMES. For which I received a REWARD."
--"What reward?"
--Theodore spit. "A REWARD that turned out to be a curse that dogged me for half a year! I received many ingots of various metals, and a MOLD."
--"Mold?" I asked with a minimum of words.
--"Indeed," Theodore nodded. "A one time use mold from which I cast this here STATUE," again he rapped the lawn gnome with his cane, bringing forth once again the pealing sound of a bell.
--"So the statue is the only one then? Pity."
--"It wasn't just the one time MOLD that irritated me, but the hundreds of EXPERIMENTS I had to undertake to get the mixture correct, dratted GNOMES!"
--I could guess the responses of some of the key words in Theodore's speech, so I asked a new question. "Where can one find these gnomes?"
--"WHERE? WHERE? You ask?" he asked. "Why you sail that a way!" As he spoke he pointed with his cane in a compass direction....what compass direction you ask? Hell boy, I ain't gonna tell you EVERYTHING! Theodore continued, "You will find an island with two peaks. One has a RED TOP and the other a BLUE TOP."
--Thus began my quest to find the Red Hat and Blue Hat gnomes, in hopes of getting my special "one time use" mold and creating my very own Lawn Gnome. But alas, my old kidneys don't hold up as well as they used to, so if you will excuse me...

 

Part 2 I guess.
--Returning to my place near the large fireplace in the Fire Lotus Tavern I grumble as I wipe my wet hands on my cloak, "those mini dragon hot air hand dryers never do a good job!" To my surprise, Lord Baldrith awaits my return in hopes that I have remembered more of this story. That is a high hope seeing as how the story hasn't happened yet.
--Anywho I light my pipe and take a draw (Ah! So nice to escape the EPA, HHS, and other do-gooders!). I am about to continue my stories when a winsome serving wench stands before me. Batting her eyes with a fetching glance she asks, "More Rose Petal Koffee Kake?"
--"Why thankee m'dear!" I reply, trying not to leer too obviously as she bends slightly down to place the treat on the little side table next to me. "You know, I once knew the cook who invented this dainty treat."
--"Really!!" exclaims the winsome wench adding an extra exclamation mark. "Who was that? Rose Petal Koffee Kake is enjoyed far and wide, and beloved by pretty much everyone!"
--"As it turns out," I reply, taking a draw on my pipe, "The inventor of this treat joined my party of adventurers in pursuit of the Red Hat Gnome Mold."

 

--"It was a time between nets," I reminisced, "after Arpa but before Inter. And by the way, you will have to forgive my habit of adding two spaces after a period. I was taught to type that way. But I digress," I pointed out as I digressed from the tangent off which I was going.
--"My curiosity was piqued by the tale of Thomas the Blessed." I said in continuation of my story.
--"You mean Theodore the Blessed?" interrupted Lord Baldrith.
--"Ahum, Theodore Thomas yes, that was him. As my curiosity began to bleed slightly from the pique, I set off in the direction indicated. Of coarse that direction lead off to a far seashore, not the closest one."
--"Of coarse," nodded the serving wench. "That is the kind of thing that is always good for an extra line or two of filler in these tales." Lord Baldrith choked back a laugh at my spelling, observing silently upon my obvious experience at being paid by the word.
--"Eventually I came upon the small fishing village of Writer's Ink, in the land of Prodigy. There I stopped in at a small establishment called Katya's Koffee Klutch where I hoped to find access to a boat, and perhaps some adventurers to join my quest.
--"It was here that I first enjoyed Rose Petal Koffee Kake, invented and baked by Lyra who worked for Katya from time to time as a pastry chef."

 

--Katya herself greeted me as I entered Katya's Koffee Klutch and showed me to a cozy booth, with comfortable wooden benches and a well worn thick oak plank table. A buxom woman of substantial means, (and girth) Katya was easily provoked into laughter. As my old friend Benny Hill observed, "I loved making her laugh! So much of her had a good time!"
--I looked over the denizens of this place, and was quickly discomfited by the almost glare of a large man sitting in a corner behind a small table. His summer cloak failed to hide the plate armor which he wore seemingly without a thought as to the weight of it. With a large knife he hacked chunks of meat off the roast before him and with a wolf-like glee gobbled them down, followed by quaffs of root beer.
--Behind the bar a menu was scrawled on a chalk board: "Meat, Potatoes, Root Beer, Rose Petal Koffee Kake, Koffee" a sparse fare from which to select. Suddenly I was aware of a small waiter in a tuxedo, no wait, a penguin? Yes, a penguin with a clean small towel over the flipper he held before him. The penguin seemed to be awaiting my order. "Koffee and Rose Petal Koffee Kake," I said in his general direction.
--"Penguin?" Lord Baldrith interjected. "There aren't any penguins here!"
--"Not yet," I agreed. "But I wasn't here, I was there, and besides I haven't even been there, yet. It is still early in the development cycle."
--"I have a bicycle!" chimed in the winsome wench with a bright smile. Lord Baldrith groaned and rolled his eyes.
--"Where was I?" I mused.
--"Writer's Ink, Katya's," prompted the helpful wench.
--"Who is your muse, by the way?" asked Lord Baldrith.
--"As a bard," I answered, "my muse is Ded Bob. Back to Katya's however, the diminutive penguin waiter waddled off in the direction of the kitchen. I noticed the plate wearing fellow had finished his meal and was sauntering my way, his armored boots thudding on the wooden plank floor."

 

--The large armored man came to my booth and stood there, solemnly studying with a raised eyebrow and puzzled glare. "You are a bard." he said, his eyes darting to the tinwhistle and music book that peeked from the shoulder bag I had placed on the table. Then he tersely added, "Why?"
--Wondering if I was meeting a potential audience or a critic I gave a half grin and indicated with a wave of my hand that he should pull up a chair. (Note: Katya's was not a large establishment. A dozen booths lined the wall opposite the long counter with raised swivel chairs, and a row of small tables with stout wooden chairs stood in between.) The plate wearing man hesitated not a moment and with one finger hooked under the back of a hefty chair brought it to the end of my own table.
--"As to your question," I began, pulling forth my pipe and pouch and laying them atop the shoulder bag. "I play to amuse myself, and irritate the birds."
--"And the monstrously pointed stories that you repeat, often at the expense of those in power?" intoned my new acquaintance in a menacing tone. This lead me to wonder if he himself was just such a person of power whom I had mentioned perhaps in some doggerel of years past.....I could not be sure.
--"Well now Lord...?"
--Seeing my obvious query for his identity the armored man replied with a solemn nod "Jeb Stuart I am, known by my friends as 'Tank' ."
--"Tank?"
--"I am no friend of bards, bard; and by what moniker are you called?"
--Brushing my mustache with a theatrical gesture (they are much better than combs) I announced in my "indoor" heraldic voice: "Hail and well met! I am Mingo theBard! Composer, orator, singer of tales and teller of songs!"
--"Actually," Jeb Stuart said thoughtfully, "you are the first Bard I have met in this land, and it is odd to meet you, since we aren't "here" yet."
--"Well said Lord Stuart! Well said!"

 

As my old friend Benny Hill observed, "I loved making her laugh!

Cue music!

 

--"ARE we here yet?" asked a voice from behind me. I saw Lord Baldrith look up as a figure walked from behind my chair and took an empty seat in the semi circle of chairs near the large fireplace. "Miganarchine," the newcomer said in way of a terse introduction.
--"I surmise from the climber's rope over your shoulder you are a mountaineer?" inquired Lord Baldrith. At this the newcomer nodded.
--"I have listened to your tale, Mingo," said Mignarchine, "and it brings me to a puzzling metaphysical question: Are WE here?"
--Little did Mignarchine know, but I have a Doctor of Philosophy in Philosophy; and the wheels inside my head began to spin as if hyper-activated. Sadly the spinning wheels made me dizzy, so it was a while before I replied.

 

Thanks Mingo! This is awesome!

 

--"Everyone is somewhere," I answered cryptically to Mignarchine, who scowled at the nebulos reply.
--"But where was I?"
--The winsome serving wench perkily prompted, "You were talking to the tank!"
--"Ah yes! Jeb Stuart took a seat and leaned back, placing one mailed fist on the table in a relaxed manner."
--"I need no songs told or stories sung," he grumbled. "What I need is an adventure, a quest, some perilous journey to undertake....."
--Interrupting him I said, "I seem the Red Hat Gnome Mold!"
--"Seem?"
--"Seek," I corrected myself (the serving winch grinned at how deftly I padded the manuscript yet again!)
--His jaw dropped slightly and I could almost read his mind.... ("Has this man no backspace?") but out loud he said, "You're a loony! Know ye not the reputation of the Red Hat Gnomes?" and he gave a bit of a shudder. "They are indeed....monstrous!"
--With bemused puzzlement I replied, "Monstrous? The statue of one that I saw was only knee high! Why, you are probably 30 times the size of one! How could such diminutive beings be monstrous?"
--With a laugh Stuart observed, "Found your spell-check ability, eh Bard? But I can tell you, from personal experience, that the teaching of the wizened old green wizard is true: 'Size Matters Not' when dealing with those who wield magic as well as the powers of the Earth."
--"Yogurt?" asked the serving wench proffering a tray of the fruit flavored variety.
--"Something like that," Stuart answered, "Never met him myself."

 

--I was taken aback at the appearance of the Winsome Serving Wench at Katya's. "How did you get here?" I asked moronically, staring at her....um yes uh...staring at her...in awe.
--"Everyone has to be some where!" she winked. "Why can't I be in both stories?"
--"I'm confused," Jeb Stuart frowned.
--"Just wait, Jeb. You ain't seen nothing yet!" I promised alluding to vast literary perplexities ahead.
--(Back in the Fire Lotus Tavern) Lord Baldrith looked at the Winsome Serving Wench, "So you are both here and there?"
--"Apparently I will be!" she smiled with a flip of her hair. "and I will be!"
--It was then I noticed other figures lurking in the shadows. From time to time a hand would reach out to take a piece of fire wood from the pile near the fireplace. "Why are people taking firewood?" I inquired of Miganarchine.
--"Oh, they just came in. So they are reading the logs."
--"Well," I sniffed, "If they want to be written into the tale they must make themselves known!" (hint hint)

 

Miganarchine looked out the Fire Lotus window longingly at the mountains beyond the walls of Owls Head, And pondered with some worry that do gooders would block any further attempts at a dangerous summit challenge, Adventure seemed to be a forgotten thing in the minds of Owls Head people these days.
Preferring to sit and drink beer and read logs many people were lost in the fog of their minds unable to see clearly, Sheep it seemed could be easily led and imprisoned without resistance Miganarchine thought as Mingo prodded him back to cold reality.

 

--Mingo noticed Miganarchine, (henceforth referred to as "Mig" so I don't have to continuously go look up the correct spelling) wool gathering. "You really should not pull the hair from that sheep there, Mig."
--"Oh, sorry sheep," Mig said. "Bleet!" said the sheep.
--"Sheeps don't say 'bleet' " criticized Lord Baldrith, "they say 'Baaaah'."
--"the correct plural is 'sheep' not 'sheeps'," admonished Mig.
--"(Good Lord)" I thought to myself, "(I've fallen into a pit of editors!)"

 

--Baldrith, smoking his long pipe, wiggles his nose and says, "I don't think me cares of your worry 'bout my spellin'"
--Then at that moment Baldrith chokes on his pipe and cries out, "Dammit Mingo, you are going to kill me. I think you should focus on your tall ale there instead of my dictatory skills!"
--Mingo smiled and clapped his mouth, "My dear Baldrith, when a 'dictation' as you call it is invalid, I shall pick it to pieces. It's my way, my honor and my privilage!"

 

--"The Lurkers aren't coming in!" prodded the Winsome Serving Wench as she poked me in the ribs. "Tell us more about Jeb Stuart the tank; and me!"
--"Ouch," I protested mildly as I rubbed my ribs. "How can such small fists hurt so much? Ah well yes then.
--"Jeb accepted a cup of strawberry yogurt with a big smile and a wink. He then began a tale of terror and horror the like of which I have not heard since last tax filing season:
--"From time to time," Jeb began, "gnomes invade the mainland through tunnels under the seabed. They have powerful Earth magic and tunnel easily. We have fought them off and on for aye these long years. Usually they appear in the Spring, around the middle of April." (author's note: Although it is winter in Fire Lotus Tavern, it is later in the Spring there at Katya's).
--"I can't hear author's notes," complained Mig.
--"You'll have to read them out loud to us," suggested the Winsome Wench who really needs a name.
--"Gah!" I said with an upward pleading look. "Ok, no more author's notes! Jeb continued his tale...."
--"In addition to their earth magic, Gnomes have within their numbers a variety of terrifying specialists. The most horrible, the most fearsome of these are called.....Auditors."

 

----Time out. Please suggest a name for the Winsome Serving Wench. If I choose your entry you get a virtual piece of Rose Petal Koffee kake.

 

Winsome Serving Wench named Gerta Endthisle

 

--"Gerta," Jeb addressed the Winsome Serving Wench at Katya's Koffee Klutch. "this yogurt was good but could you mail yourself to the kitchen and get me a kup of koffee please?"
--Gerta was a bit annoyed at the stamp on her left shoulder but replied, "Oh! Certainly Lord Jeb! It's so nice to be addressed by name....if I heard the word 'winsome' one more time I would surely scream!"
--Jeb turned to me and waxed Serious, "I hesitate to voice some things in such a public milieu, for some in this land are paid spies for the Gnomes."
--"Jeb dear sir, please please don't write above the sixth grade level! It frightens off the readers," I pleaded. From the corner of my eye I noticed the Klutch's cat, Serious, trying to get the wax off her fur.
--Ignoring the cat, Jeb continued, "There are many shades of red, from brilliant scarlet to dingy brown. Gnomic powers and abilities vary as well. Within the ranks of Red Hat Gnomes are melee fighters, ranged warriors, summoners of earthen golems, as well as magic welders."
--"You mean magic wielders?"
--"No, welders; they can fuse metal armor joints such that one cannot move. Also there are magic wielders, they are the ones with the bright, but not the brightest, red hats."
--Gerta returned with Jeb's Koffee, "I just love how you take common typing mistakes and generate more amusing discourse good Sir Bard!" she said in praise of my ability to turn spam into verbage.

 

--"Ouch!" exclaimed Gerta, looking around to see who pinched her on the bottom.
--"Squawk!" squawked a penguin (who had given her a little peck) as he glared up at her.
--"Uh oh," moaned Gerta. "I forgot to sign up with the local union."
--As Gerta trundled off with the shop committeepenguin, my own diminuative waiter appeared with a tray. Deftly hopping up on the opposite bench he (?) placed my own order of koffee and rose petal koffee kake on the table.
--"Thank you," I said graciously, in return to which expression of gratitude he nodded vigorously before hopping down and returning to the kitchen.
--"Say," Jeb mentioned, "Are you signed up with the local musicians union?"
--"Sheesh, I'm from South Georgia, we don't cotton to unions much....I'm gonna start a thread somewhere about this!" and with that I decided to write unions completely out of my tale.

 

--Mingo the Bard (which is me, so I don't know why I'm using third person) unrolled the napkin to get his fork. Suddenly he froze in place.
--"Something amiss?" asked Jeb Stuart.
--"My Rose Petal Koffee Kake...." I said (returning to first person), "there is a bite missing out of it!"
--"If you are going to just pick it up and eat it, why are you getting your fork," Jeb asked.
--I sniffed in derision, "I'm no uncouth rogue who eats with their fingers!"
--"Uncouf?" someone said; someone close by but unseen; someone with a mouth full of rose petal koffee kake!
--A shimmer appeared across from me...and then it dissipated to reveal a woman, armored in hardened leather, with daggers strapped to her forearms. I raised an eyebrow and told her, "You prove my point, talking with your mouth full!"
--Standing beside me, his sword half drawn, Jeb made a sour face with his mouth drawn downward. "Shania." he said simply, with just a hint of irritation. "You play dangerous tricks sneaking around me like that."
--"Piffle," replied the roguish lady, "First of all, you don't know I'm there unless I want you to. Second of all, you are alive, so why worry about it?" then she reached over, took my koffee kup and swigged down half of it in a gulp.
--"Mingo the Bard, meet Shania Twain," Jeb made the introduction.
--"Beware rogue," I warned. "Steal from me again and I shall make up a song about you, such that no matter where you go you shall suffer embarassment and derision!"
--"Hmmm," pondered Shania, "That won't do. Doesn't pay to be well known in my business."

 

--Gerta returned, dressed differently. Holding the hem of her skirt with each hand she did a little twirl to show off, "Like my new uniform?" she beamed "The head penguin just wanted me to be properly dressed," she said. "I don't have to join anything!"
--I admired the frilly black blouse, with short puffy arms that were pulled down to reveal bare shoulders. The blouse dove beneath a fetching black corset which also covered the top of a skirt that, I suspect, was supposed to be knee length, but apparently was pulled up higher, such that the top was hidden beneath the corset. A white bib apron, more for decoration than function completed the outfit, with a capital "K" embroidered on the pocket.
--"I hope you don't think it uncouth of me to say," Shania commented with a quick eye flash in my direction, "but you look like a penguin."
--Gerta smiled and winked, "That's the idea!" she then added, "and m'lady Shania I have to say, you are the MOST couth person I know!"
--Shania sat back deep on her bench and silently grinned daggers at me.