Themo Lock's words of questionable wisdom

The Troll King

With faltering willpower and a weakness of mind,
he withdrew from the crowd and sought more of his kind.
He built his own kingdom from rage, rants and spite,
and against phantom foes waged an impotent fight.
Clearly above them, laws weren't made for this tyke,
though he sites them as needed, just not ones he dislikes.
The enjoyment of others sends him into a blind rage,
people should pay attention to him, he would not be upstaged.
Up on his soapbox he lets out a mighty hate filled roar,
then sulks and complains when he is largely ignored.
Upset at the guards for censoring his babbling for all to see,
he instead rants in his kingdom, censoring all who disagree.
He plots to disrupt and spread misinformation and strife,
a campaign of no consequence that now consumes his life.

 

Added the ever impressive narration of Asclepius to Occupation
http://thecaverns.net/Podcasts/occupation-by-themo-lock-narrated-by-asclepius/

 

All now published in game and on display at my Owlshead vendor and the Lockbrier publishing house.

 

Cancel that..they all vanished from the bookcases in both locations 20 mins later, bug reported.

 

Is definitely something wrong with the new bookcases

 

A Beastly Exhibition

Kevin was a visionary, a farmer and a showman,
his farm had recently been struck by flood, he took it as an omen.
The land was in proximity to the bustling Brittany Fields,
he had a plan that would surely profit more than agricultural yields.

He would build a grand bestiary... a pay-to-spectate zoo,
and fill it with every creature known, from wolf to bugaboo.
So far he had a horse, 2 sheep and a mildly distempered bear,
and was in negotiations to acquire a crocodilian breeding pair.

Construction was already underway, he was renovating the stable,
hammer in hand, Kevin perched atop a ladder that was quite unstable.
It's dietary needs misunderstood the bear ate its curry but wasn't well,
the beasts rear let out a trumpet blast thats volume was rivaled only by its smell.

Alarmed by the sudden demonic turn, the sheep charged blindly at the wall,
the impact jarring the rickety ladder which in turn began to fall.
Kevins trousers caught a loose nail, leaving him temporarily suspended,
then with the sound of tearing cloth.. pants remained but Kevin descended.

He landed on a panicked sheep and he grabbed the creature to prevent its escape,
and looked his naked torso over in relief that he barely suffered a scrape.
The bear however was enraged and confused and broke free from its stall,
startled further by Kevins womanly screams it burst right through the wall.

The entire side of the barn collapsed in a noisy, dusty cloud,
leaving the half naked Kevin clutching a sheep in full view of a gathering crowd.
He would have thought himself in a nightmare if he only was asleep,
as realization set in that it appeared as if he was a little too fond of sheep.

A woman screamed and covered the eyes of her giggling and pointing child,
anger spread, a guard was called, the crowd was quickly getting riled.
"What in the abyss is this?!" questioned the guard as he fumbled with his sword,
"A mishap with my bestiary" Kevin squeaked "Nothing untoward".

"Bestiary!?" the shocked guard exclaimed "That is illegal and obscene!"
"What? NO, WAIT..." Kevin gasped "That isn't what that word means."
The guard was having none of this and Kevin was violently arrested,
on charges that would never be dropped no matter how much he protested.

Meanwhile in Rajims Curry Hut patrons were caught unaware,
as the seaside restaurant was unexpectedly stormed by a berserk, farting bear.
The events of that day would never be discussed in company that was polite,
and unfortunately for Kevin, the truth of what transpired would never come to light.

Narrated by Asclepius

 

Yay it's open again *hugs thread*

 

Themo, never change. You are super funny and a treasure to have around

THE HENDOMAN

 

Voila!

 

Good job.

Really.

I will never be able to face a bear ingame without thinking of it suddenly letting out a thunderous ladder-shaking rip roarer.

THANK YOU FOR NOTHING!

 

Thug Life

Cavendish brushed the pine needles from his crimson pants and adjusted his hood nervously, it was time to address his men. Cavendish was the forty-second leader of the Serpant's Spine branch of the crimson bandits, a group that had only formed two months previous. He would be lying if he were to say that he was not concerned with the average life expectancy of the groups management positions, but at least it was somewhat higher than that of the rank and file. For reasons known only to the upper echelon of the organization, his group had been charged with the task of holding the foothills and exacting a "tax" from any interlopers. The area could only be described as "hostile", being home to countless wolves and giant bears who had their own idea on who the regions rightful owners were. And now there were the outlanders... beings of great power that would periodically pass through laying waste to the region before carrying off entire trees, piles of bandit weaponry and mountains of bloody hides. He had once seen an outlander slain by a pack of wolves only to witness the man return minutes later to resume picking at a vein of copper in the cliff side. Cavendish shuddered and pushed the memory to the back of his mind, he had business to attend to.

He pushed aside the canvas flap and stepped from his tent, confidently striding over to the nearby clearing where his men stood to attention. "Where are the others?" he asked gruffly "This meeting is not optional". A slightly overweight bandit in shabby, torn clothing kicked at the dirt with a scuffed, unpolished boot "This is all of us sir" he mumbled. "What?" Cavendish boomed "Where is Black Greg and Olaf?". The portly bandit winced before answering "Wolves sir... there were just so many". Cavendish rubbed at his eye with the palm of his hand, Black Greg was his brother in law and this was not going to sit well with his sister at all. "Alright... well that is unfortunate" he stated "I am sure they did us proud and died bravely and well". A taller bandit with hair the colour of sun dried straw spoke up this time "Not really sir, Olaf sort of panicked and tried to run but Greg used him as a human shield..." Cavendish interjected at this point "Yes well, these things happen in the heat of battle i guess ". Unperturbed, the lanky bandit continued his recollection of the fight "... and i am pretty sure Greg soiled himself". After a brief moment of disrespectful silence, the bandit leader sighed "OK men, we work with what we have." he declared "Caynis, what news from the upper pass?". The portly bandit spoke up once more "Caynis is dead sir, a bear threw him off the upper pass". At this news, Cavendish spun on the heel of his boot and marched back into his tent to compose himself.

The bandit leader breathed deeply in through his nostrils and slowly released his breath through thin, trembling lips. He was giving serious thought to the possibility that crime did not pay and wondered if his uncle would still take him on as an apprentice lamp lighter in Ardoris. Screams erupted outside, along with the chilling sound of magical fire being summoned into being. Since the bandit groups last mage had accidentally blinked herself off a cliff some days previous, this could only mean that the camp was under attack. Cavendish briefly contemplated impersonating a bedroll before drawing his short sword and launching himself out of the tent with the best battle cry he could muster, a sound that could only be described as an enthusiastic gargle.

The scene that greeted his eyes outside the tent froze the bandit leader in his tracks. A huge circle of fire was before him, within its perimeter the roasted remains of his men crackled and spat like overcooked pork. At the epicenter of the unnatural blaze stood a small girl, clad in bright pink cloth robes and playing a merry, otherworldly tune on what appeared to a home made set of bagpipes. The girl marched around in circles squeezing the instrument completely unharmed by the flames as she kicked at the lifeless bandits, presumably in search of loot. This was no mere mortal, this was an outlander and the bandit leader suddenly felt that being anywhere else but here would be desirable. Cavendish slowly began to back away but collapsed to the ground with a loud thump as his footing was compromised by a palette of week old cabbages, the bandit groups sole source of nourishment. "Don't make eye contact" he yelled internally "don't make.. OH SWEET LORD I MADE EYE CONTACT!". The girl calmly raised a tiny, well manicured hand and smiled sweetly. The last thing Cavendish witnessed in his brief role as a bandit lord was a burst of flames erupting from the bagpipes and a white hot ball of fire hurtling in his direction.

Some days later, Helgrid the bandit stood at the edge of a circle of charred earth and eyeballed a group of fresh recruits. She was the forty-third leader of the Serpant's Spine branch of the crimson bandits, a group that had only formed two months previous. Her outlook was positive and her dagger was sharp, she had big plans for this company of bandits and there was work to be done.
Now narrated by Asclepius

 

There really are no words for that one is there. 8^()

 

Just a friendly reminder that Themo's work is now in-game for your enjoyment. Support his continued writing today!

 

LMAO

 

thug life really spoke to me, I spent my first hour in the spine and read this shortly after - +1

THE HENDOMAN

 

The greatest tank in the multiverse

Rest well my friend.
A battle fought with dignity and grace.
From the dawn of gaming to the sunset of your life, you never once let us down.
The five of us conquered worlds together from MUD to MMO.
We are all, each of us, so very sorry you had to face this final challenge alone.
May you find peace and sufficient content.

 

Lum is not amused

Lum has logged in.
Themo Lock [to nobles]: Lum the mad has just logged in! a sight we are always glad to see!
Lum [to nobles]: Hello nobles, i just logged in to fix this wayward NPC.
Carl69 [to nobles]: @Lum can we please upload image files to paintings on our wall?
Red Sarah [to nobles]: Yes! +1 to that idea, artistic freedom for all!
Lum [to nobles]: No! you people can not be trusted to keep those images clean.
Carl69 [to nobles]: Sad news indeed and i am sure we don't know what you mean
Lum [to nobles]: Don't play dumb, it would take mere seconds before the first penis appeared!
PK Death [to nobles]: You people are breaking my immersion and this conversation is weird.
Lum [to nobles]: The things you already do with what you have is bad enough, this topic i will not discuss.
Themo Lock [to guild]: Cancel construction of knob hill immediately!, the devs are onto us!
Lockbrier Steward [to guild]: Dammit! this took all month, can we at least keep the balls?
Red Sarah [to nobles]: who in their right mind would want those kind of paintings on their walls?
PK Death [to nobles]: Severed genitals as PVP trophies is what i want to see!
Carl69 [to nobles]: Could we dye them with addon store dyes? this idea appeals to me!
Jack Breacher [to nobles]: Are there new recipes for this? i didn't read the patch notes.
Carl69 [to nobles]: Lets make a forum petition and poll, everybody support it with your votes!
Lum has logged out.
Carl69 [to nobles]: Awwww i thought it was a better idea than these stupid clockwork wings.
Themo Lock [to nobles]: And yet you guys still wonder why we cannot have nice things.

 

Truth Be Told

Truth be told we've long since sold our sunny patch of moral high ground,
we take our fill to raise our skill from the natives with hunger unbound.
Virtues askew, held fast with glue ground from the bones of lame high horses,
our feet of clay see light of day as tapestries of selfish needs run their courses.
We claimed our land and now expand our hold on New Britannian soil,
from Novia's core we set out to explore and in our wake the continents roil.
We sow our seeds to suit our needs and eagerly slay all that stand before us,
the angry screams and shattered dreams of Novians ring out in a mournful chorus.
We live in excess and couldn't care less for the people we pushed to the side,
as our numbers grow and our towns overflow, we spill forth like a pestilent tide.
Truth be told our quest for gold spells certain doom for the Novian races,
every elf and faun will soon be gone, wiped out without any traces.

 

This is golden, and great to describe our current situation in game.

 

Doodles!